Part 28: That Kind of Attributes

Chapter Eighty-One – Lady Ruchi & King Genarius

I have to say, Lady Ruchi has a Barbie doll figure there. Those arms look like they would snap like a twig.

Maya sees Sagitta flying around and this is a good sign, according to Genarius.

“I had to promise King Astrodoulos that I will marry the lady” (page 675).

HAD to marry her? This doesn’t sound promising.

Genarius wants to introduce them to Ruchi because he’s getting married in a few days. Maya thinks this was a fast decision, but Genarius assures them it wasn’t because he’s known and loved Ruchi for a very long time, however, the ‘political situation’ never allowed them to get married, because there was always ‘something else’ going on. This is what poor writers do when they can’t think of good reasons for why something hasn’t happened yet.

“What does ‘Ruchi’ mean?” Joey asked.

“The name ‘Ruchi’ means… a love is growing into a wish to please and to shine before the beloved one.”

“Wow, she must be some kind of a cool woman! I hope that I will find a wife one day just like that and with that kind of attributes!” Joey said (page 676).

That has to be one of the most convoluted name meanings I’ve ever heard of. I also don’t know why Joey is so impressed by this. Maybe he isn’t aware that people don’t pick their own names, and the fact that someone has a cool name doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a cool person. Also…attributes? You want a wife with the ‘attribute’ of having a name with a cool meaning? Okay then.

Everyone starts preparing for the wedding ceremony. Joey tells Maya that he’s tired because of everything they’ve been through. Helpfully, he then lists everything they’ve done recently, even though Maya was there and lived through all of it. It eats up another half a page. At the end of it, Joey says that he wants to have a few days off before they go home, and Maya enthusiastically agrees.

Wait. Go home? This is the very first this has been mentioned. Tesch doesn’t give any reasons why they’re going to go home soon. They haven’t really accomplished anything. They didn’t complete their quest. There is no logical reason for why Maya and Joey would need to return home…except for Tesch’s reason, which is because it’s the end of the book and she’s decided they’re going to go home. So Tesch just decided to throw it in there like it’s the most natural thing in the world, and probably hoped her readers were too stupid to question it.

The central towers of Selinka as well as many of the houses inside the city were soon rebuilt and the picture of the city did not show too much debris from the earthquake (page 677).

Not likely. A tenth of the city was destroyed. You live in pseudo-medieval times. You’re going to have to go to quarries, cut out new stone blocks, transport them to the city…we’re talking about a process that would take months. Not a few days. Also, what is ‘the picture of the city’?

So they use AstroJesus’ coach and Genarius and Ruchi sit up front and Maya and Joey sit in the back and they ride through the city while the masses scream their praises until they arrive in front of City Hall. Senator Hilton marries them. Everyone parties and marvels at the beauty of Lady Ruchi. The celebration lasts for a while. Tesch describes the buildings that are covered in pure gold and stuff like that. All the captains and generals of the army touch Genarius’ sword – no, not that sword – and swear loyalty and it’s not that interesting.

Eventually, Maya leans over to Joey and suggests they head back to AstroJesus’ pad and visit the unicorns and Maya’s dog, Phoenix, who she misses. What what what? A Phoenix mention? In case you’re interested, Phoenix was last mentioned 346 pages ago, on page 335.

Joey agrees. He then asks Maya what Genarius told her about the three airships that were stolen. Apparently they, their crews, and their cargo of gold all vanished without a trace. This intrigues Joey, but they’ll have to wait until Genarius gets back from his honeymoon to figure it out. Yes, Genarius is taking a honeymoon. Who cares that there’s a war going on?

Joey asks Maya what they can do about the stolen gold and airships.

Maya looked at her brother mild tolerant and said, “Wait and see!” (page 682)

I don’t know what that means.

Drinks: 23

Chapter Eighty-Two – Conspiracy in Patmos

Maya and Joey leave the wedding and go to pick up their backpacks, which they load with all the crap they’ve collected during their time there. Joey eyes the key to the underworld and launches into an impromptu speech that no one, teenager or adult, would ever say:

“Hmm… this instrument is indeed a heavy burden for us but I have responsibility to protect us and the king’s household and I will carry this weapon to the ends of the world, if I have to.”

“I trust you Joey,” Maya confirmed (page 684).

Yeah, it’s a terribly heavy burden, your little Deus Ex Machina stick that you used to fry a bunch of birds and start a forest fire. You know, the same one that the KING advised you to get rid of because it was dangerous?

Their escort arrives and takes them to AstroJesus’ pad. Phoenix comes out and licks Maya’s face. This makes Joey think of…you guessed it, HOPPY! Remember Hoppy? This is the first time Joey has thought of him in 502 pages. But we still don’t find out what happened to him.

They talk to some people at the farm for a while, pet a baby unicorn, and learn some uninteresting history. Joey decides to name the stables ‘Patmos Stables’ after the monks that used to live there. Never mind what name the dead King AstroJesus might have already given the place.

That night Maya can’t sleep. She decides to visit the unicorns. She puts some boots on and heads outside and frolics around for a bit. Eventually she jumps onto a unicorn’s back, which is really, really hard to do, and goes for a ride. It’s a magical experience. Then she goes back to bed.

The next day Maya and Joey walk out looking for the unicorns and nothing happens for two pages. Eventually the unicorns get back and they all take off. The unicorns agree to take them by the Lake Lagoon when the time comes so they can say goodbye to the mermaids. Then, Fayina offers Maya a ride back to the farmhouse.

No one has ever sat on Fayina’s back before, but Maya smoothed Fayina’s sturdy neck affectionately and jumped on her back. Fayina was shocked for a moment but Maya detected something like a slight smile that flit over Fayina’s face. Maya was gentle and Fayina was patient and both felt good (page 693).

Horses can’t really smile, and if they can, it certainly can’t ‘flit’ over their face. Also, is it just me or is that paragraph awfully suggestive?

Eventually Genarius gets back and says he has something secret to tell them…so secret that they can only discuss it while wearing their Tarnkappes. Maya and Joey go and put on their Tarnkappes and wander around invisible, waiting for Genarius. While they do that, Maya notices General Felipe pull out a little bottle and pass it surreptitiously to one of his officers. This concerns Maya because the bottle looks very similar to the bottle of poison that killed Commander Justin. She sneaks a bit closer and overhears Felipe talking. Out in the open. About committing treason.

Felipe tells the officer to pour the liquid into the glass only if he scratches his right ear with his right hand. And once ‘he’ is dead, they’ll blame the Encouragers, since Joey is next in line for the throne. Maya and Joey will be beheaded and Felipe will take the throne! After they whack Lady Ruchi, of course. Felipe mentions the survivors of the ship crews and says that soon, the officers will be filthy rich. And that is that.

They meet up with Genarius and Joey mentions that the King looks depressed, which is odd, because the King is invisible. Maybe wearing a Tarnkappe means you can see other invisible people. In which case Tesch shouldn’t be saying that Genarius was invisible because he’s not to Maya and Joey.

Joey tells Genarius that he should be very happy because he just had a majestic weeding party. I think you mean “wedding” party, Tesch. A weeding party does not sound very fun at all.

Genarius explains that they still haven’t found the gold transport ships, plus a few shiploads of horses have vanished. It seems like there’s a conspiracy afoot. I’m not feeling a conspiracy so much as the fact that you are AT WAR with people who have MAGICAL POWERS.

Anyway, Ruchi told Genarius that during her weekly tea party she was talking to her friend Ginger, who is friends with Candace, who is Felipe’s wife. I swear I’m not making this up. Anyway, Candace has missed the last few tea parties because she’s away on business in Arkadia…which is where things keep going missing. Objection! Hearsay!

Maya starts firing questions at Genarius, for some reason.

Genarius says that he understands other people well but feels nearsighted around people close to him. He thinks that someone close to him wants him out of the way. Maya then launches into a page long speech about nothing in particular and finished by saying that she and Joey are going to help him stay in power.

Joey starts sputtering and asks how Maya ‘dares’ to talk to the King of Maradonia like that, which is funny for several reasons. First, because nothing Maya said was actually rude, and second, because Joey has said plenty of ruder and dumber things.

They argue for a bit and finally get back on topic. Maya explains that some people have arrived that want to poison him. Tonight, General Felipe will invite them to dinner, have a toast, give one of his ‘loyal captain buddies’ a sign, and they’ll poison Genarius.

Joey looked at his sister and said, “You have told me nothing about these things?”

“You did not ask me.” (page 705)

No shit, Sherlock. Most people don’t randomly walk up to their sister and ask “Hey, just curious: have you overheard any plots to poison the king recently?”

Maya explains what the sign is. Genarius asks why Felipe would want to do something like that. Maya explains Felipe’s complete plan. Joey is horrified.

“Maya… are you sick? How could you come up with such an irrational story?” (page 706)

It doesn’t sound irrational at all. And why, precisely, is anything surprising you? You are wearing a hat that makes you invisible and lets you cross a mile in a single jump. You were saved from being barbecued by an enormous eagle. You’re watching unicorns frolic in a fantasy world. Is it really so fucking hard to believe that someone might want to poison the king and blame you? Really? Really, Joey? Are you that fucking stupid?

Maya explains that Felipe must have stolen the gold because he’ll need it to buy votes in the senate.

“…he needs also the horses for his cavalry to establish a strong foundation for his future administration.” (page 707)

Yeah, that doesn’t make sense.

“Hmm… You have a brilliant mind. Maya! I can see the connections. I’m proud of both of you” (page 707)

Why is he proud of both of them? Joey hasn’t done jack shit.

Genarius finally asks Maya how she knows all this and Maya explains. Then Maya and Joey have a bit of a pissing contest. Joey reminds her not to forget that he liberated the unicorns and the mermaids. Maya says she knows, and that all the girls love him. Joey points out that all the guys love her, including that one captain named Henry.

Ignoring Joey’s questions Maya said sluggishly, “It’s time to go back to the farmhouse.” (page 709)

I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

King Genarius had a great experience during the conversation (page 709)

I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

When they get back Felipe comes out and invites them all to dinner. Cliffhanger!

Drinks: 72


  8 Responses to “Part 28: That Kind of Attributes”

  1. As of chapter 82 I officially hate Joey. Just like how I’ve officially hated him 81 times before.

  2. “Joey tells Genarius that he should be very happy because he just had a majestic weeding party. I think you mean “wedding” party, Tesch. A weeding party does not sound very fun at all.”

    I dunno. I think Gloria wrote this entire thing DURING a weeding party, if’n ya catch mah drift.

  3. Saying that the rebuilding process would take months is being way too generous. The cutting and transportation alone would take months to years. Rebuilding a tenth of a city capable of sustaining people in the millions would take an entire generation.

  4. Caligula made his horse Incitatus a consul – Felipe means to go one better, and have an entire Senate-full of horses. If they are Talking Horses (because Narnia Strikes Again), that makes sense. Even in Maradonia.


  6. Hmm… Maybe Tesch’s just trying to express her lesbian-ic tendencies through writing.

  7. Patmos . . . The island to which St. John was exiled after he was allegedly boiled alive in a cauldron of oil and where he wrote the book of Revelations.

  8. Wait, I think I figured it out…

    The central towers of Selinka as well as
    many of the houses inside the city were soon rebuilt and the picture of
    the city did not show too much debris from the earthquake (page 677).

    So basically, the rebuilt the central tower and “many” of the houses immediately surrounding it so that they could take a picture of a seemingly-intact city for the Selinka tourism brochures by cropping out all the devastation around it.

    That wouldn’t take decades and it makes at least as much sense as anything Tesch has written.