The 4th Rule: Coitus Reservatus

Chapter Twenty-One – The Daisy is Also a Flower

No shit?

This chapter is about Daisy. We get some backstory that isn’t particularly interesting until Berdoll reveals how Daisy makes a living. She’s very small, which helps her look younger than she actually is. So Daisy pretends that she’s a prostitute and sells her virginity on the streets, which pays pretty well because who doesn’t want to deflower a virgin? Apparently, she uses cat guts to preserve the illusion of her virginity, which sounds a little disgusting and unhygienic.

Interestingly, Berdoll doesn’t mention one of the reasons why virgins tended to be in high demand. See, one of the pervading urban legends (which, horribly, persists to this day) is that sex with a virgin will cure sexually transmitted diseases. So, basically any time Daisy fucks someone, the odds are extremely good that he’s carrying something nasty. Which means that she probably has every STD known to man, and then some.
But good things can never last, and after a bit word gets out that Daisy no longer has her V card. Her business goes down but doesn’t die, even when people call her a loose woman:

“I are nothing of the kind!” she liked to whoop. “Tight as the bark on a tree, that’s me!” (page 86)

Let me remind you once again that we’re reading a sequel to Pride and Prejudice.

But now, of course, Daisy has a chunk of Wickham’s wealth. Although when we last left her and Sally, Sally was saying that she wanted to return in all to Darcy, since the money was his. But now Daisy and Sally aren’t together and Daisy still has the money. Okay.

Chapter Twenty-Two – The Last Word

The night after his wife’s bravura argument in favour of the scurrilous breeches, Mr. Darcy (happy to capitulate) fell into a deep, satisfied sleep (page 88).

Put the damn thesaurus down, Berdoll.

Elizabeth gets up and walks over to the balcony, thinking about how much she and Darcy like to fuck while she’s knocked up. They would just be a little more careful when she was.

He (a master of coitus reservatus) would become increasingly cautious, daring not to plumb the depth of her womanhood (page 88).

Using many-syllabled words, Berdoll has Elizabeth ponder why she’s constantly horny. Apparently it’s very easy for her to orgasm now, requiring only a “flick of his finger”, which seems truly incredible. She then thinks back to the time when she told him that she could feel him ejaculating inside her, and that it turned her on. I really don’t know why we’re reading this. It’s not advancing the plot, it’s not defining the characters – A) we already know this, and B) we could easily pick it up from the context – and it’s also not particularly arousing. Although I guess I’m not really the target audience for this book.

Suddenly Elizabeth seeks a caped figure run across the Pemberley lawn, leap into a waiting carriage, and take off. This seems a little odd, considering it’s the middle of the night. She considers waking Darcy to tell him that mysterious strangers are trespassing on Pemberley but decides against it.

You can file that one under “obvious foreshadowing” along with “Elizabeth being a fucking idiot.”

Chapter Twenty-Three – The Shadow

And we’re back with Sally. She fucks around for a bit and eventually heads to Pemberley to return the Darcys’ money. Upon arriving, she is received and returns half of it (since Daisy has the other half). Darcy thanks her and offers her ten percent for returning it. She accepts, and then asks them about another lady she’s looking for. After a bit they figure out she needs to meet Lady Millhouse, the Darcy’s Deus ex Machina neighbor.

She also hands over a scroll, which Darcy grabs, because it has something to do with Wickham.

Chapter Twenty-Four – A Note Too Late

We go back to Juliette who thinks about how fucking awesome Darcy is. He’s rather unique and exceptional. So exceptional that even though she’s a prostitute, Darcy is so incredible that she would have happily banged him for nothing at all. Mostly because he’s very well-endowed and he knows how to properly use his John Thomas.

She flashes back to their meeting at the Darcy’s ball, and we get to relive the scene using the subtle wordplay and comedy of manners that Berdoll is known for. Juliette is doing her best to seduce Darcy and Darcy, of course, is having none of it. Juliette isn’t pleased, but then suddenly she detects an odor that she’s intimately familiar with and realizes that Darcy must’ve had sex with Elizabeth immediately prior to the ball. Therefore, obviously he wouldn’t still be horny. Ah, Juliette. If only you knew: Darcy is *always* ready to have more sex.

Although, since she used to be Darcy’s favorite whore, you’d think she would know that.

Anyway, Juliette wraps things up:

Was she to gain Darcy’s cooperation, in her quest for his seed, she would have to appeal to his chivalry, not his cock (page 99).

Have I mentioned how much I enjoy Berdoll’s plotlines?

Chapter Twenty-Five – Soldier On

Nothing happens.

Chapter Twenty-Six – Heart & Hearth

We flash forward two years so Berdoll can tell us about the Darcys’ servants gossiping. We then flash back to Elizabeth’s ongoing pregnancy. Nothing happens for a bit, and Elizabeth reveals that she has a small silver box that contains some of Darcy’s hair and a bow he once tied for her, which brings her comfort. Okay. There’s also a lot of rambling about one of Darcy’s old shirts. See, while Darcy was gone overseas Elizabeth found one of his sweat and grime-encrusted undershirts and then slept in it every single night for his absence. Which lasted several months, as you may or may not recall. And she refused to let it be washed.

I’ve already delved into the aversion to bathing before, so I won’t bother repeating myself, but I just find it interesting how opposed Berdoll is to actually continuing the story. The first book was a horrendous crock of shit in which almost nothing happened, but there was a little. And once she had that, apparently she decided not to have any more actual plot. Half of the second book was recapping events from the first book, or retelling them from different points of view, and book three is proving to be more of the same. Guess what, Berdoll? I don’t give a fuck if Elizabeth slept in Darcy’s old shirts. First, you’ve already told us this, and second, I wish you hadn’t, since it accomplishes actually nothing. Is it an example of how disgustingly close Elizabeth and Darcy are? Great. We already know that.

Please, for the love of Jane Austen, make something actually happen.

Chapter Twenty-Seven – Love’s Labour

Nothing happens.

Chapter Twenty-Eight – The Politics of the Blind

Nothing happens.

Chapter Twenty-Nine – The Third Rose

Elizabeth has her baby. It’s a boy. They name him William. Hooray!

Chapter Thirty – The House That Daisy Built

Daisy’s rich, so she buys a big-ass house and lives there with a bunch of servants. She’s also pretty nice so she takes in pretty much whoever needs to be taken in, so before too long there’s plenty of knocked up women, orphans, wenches, and other undesirables living there with her.

Ordinarily, I would file this one under obvious foreshadowing, but I’m reasonably certain this will have absolutely no bearing on the plot (what plot? he asked derisively) of this book.

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