The 5th Rule: Guileless Insousciance

Chapter Thirty-One – Elysium Fields

So the Gardiners and the Bingleys are over to admire the newest Darcy. Elizabeth coos over him and then makes the mistake of calling him Willy. This makes Darcy clench up because he really, really hates nicknames.

The single sobriquet his wife had ever heard him invoke was the diminutive of her name. (When he whispered “Lizzy” against her ear, the susurration caused her heart to leap and her womanhood to tremble.) (page 120)

And when you said “womanhood”, Berdoll, what are you referring to? Is Elizabeth’s vagina trembling, or her clitoris? Inquiring minds what to know. Actually, inquiring minds would prefer you wrote better, but I doubt that’s going to happen.

But then young William farts and everyone laughs and it’s just adorable and puppies and sunshine.

The conversation turns over to Charlotte who married Pratt and this would be very exciting if it hadn’t been covered already, in depth, earlier in the book.

Aunt and Uncle Gardiner sat upon a satin settee. The fabric of Mr. Gardiner’s breeches kept him making continual adjustments lest he slide off the seat entirely (page 122).

Riveting. Just…riveting. Will Mr. Gardiner slip off his seat? Will embarrassment ensue? Will Mr. Darcy look on with pride and disparagement in his Colin Firth-like face while Elizabeth does her best to rein in a laugh?

Mrs. Gardiner placed a pillow behind him for support. As that redistributed his weight, he was able to allow their conversation his full attention (page 122).

Crisis averted! And yes, this is not even remotely relevant in any way, shape or form.

Chapter Thirty-Two – The Fortune of War

Daisy spends four pages on a random side quest that will have no bearing on the plot whatsoever. At the end of the chapter, she sees a well-dressed man with a limp, then the chapter ends.

Guessing it’s Wickham.

Chapter Thirty-Three – Pearls Have Their Place

Darcy heads into his bedchamber after ensuring the kids are asleep. He’s ready to get the fucking on, but Elizabeth is freaking out. Basically, the Gardiners always stay in the Gold Room, but due to some random mixup they were put in the Blue Room. And Elizabeth had decided that she and Darcy were going to get frisky in the Blue Room, so she’d left Darcy and note and headed to the Blue Room, where she perchanced to witness the Gardiners in flagrante. Worst of all, Mr. Gardiner was wearing Mrs. Gardiner’s nightgown.

Darcy chuckles at this, but fortunately Elizabeth wasn’t seen so it’s no big deal. And this sight hasn’t dampened her enthusiasm in any way.

Now, speaking personally, if I had inadvertently witnessed my aunt and uncle getting it on while my uncle wore my aunt’s lingerie, I’m not sure how I would respond. It would probably be somewhere between taking a rape victim shower before curling into the fetal position and rocking myself to sleep while thinking about something nice and safe, such as ponies, or simply gouging my eyes out – assuming I wasn’t instantly struck with psychosomatic blindness.

Anyway. Darcy starts stripping.

His insouciance was not guileless (page 130).

Exactly.

As Darcy strips, Elizabeth thinks about all the locations they like banging. And about the pearl necklace he gave her (no, not that kind). And then she sees something else:

Despite how often she had witnessed it, she never tired of watching his manhood tumefy from somnolent suzerain to impatient warrior (page 131).

I swear I’m not making this up.

Anyway, Elizabeth wants to thank Darcy for the pearl necklace. So she proceeds to give him an amazing blowjob – no, actually, instead, she wraps the pearl necklace around his penis. And…that’s it.

Then they fuck.

Chapter Thirty-Four – Lady Millhouse’s Confidant

Sally engages Lady Millhouse to exhume her brother’s corpse to take it back to a proper cemetery. Then Lady Millhouse offers her a job.

Chapter Thirty-Five – What Duty Demands

Nothing happens.

Chapter Thirty-Six – The Devil’s Trade

There is a man named Alistair Thomas. He’s kind of a douchebag.

I’m guessing this will probably become relevant later.

Chapter Thirty-Seven – Until the Morrow

Elizabeth and Darcy decide to not attend a ball the Howgraves are throwing. Then they fuck.

Chapter Thirty-Eight – Solitary Soldier

Strike that. Actually Darcy is attending the ball. Okay then.

Nothing happens for awhile, and eventually Darcy finds himself cornered by Juliette, who turns something he says into a double entendre and then manages to get Darcy to agree to see some of the house. Propriety demands that he agree, but as soon as they are out of view of the party a footman arrives bearing a message from Elizabeth. Then Juliette confesses that her husband beats her and starts crying.

Chapter Thirty-Nine – Of the Clouds

The message is only a single word long: Come. And no, despite what you’re thinking, it isn’t a sexy double entendre. Darcy, of course, rides home at once, and finds that William is…sick.

Oh no!

Chapter Forty – The Beauty of Ice

Berdoll retells what happened at the ball, but from Juliette’s point of view. It’s very exciting.

Chapter Forty-One – The Whistle

William dies. The Darcys are very sad about this, since, after all, he’s their son. I would be sad too, except I honestly don’t give a shit about any of these characters. And all I really want at this point is there to be some kind of a plot. And no, Juliette attempting to seduce Darcy so he can impregnate her is not a plot.

Chapter Forty-Two – Remembrance

Elizabeth and Darcy go to bed. But suddenly Elizabeth sits up and starts freaking out because they just buried William and she forgot to keep a lock of his hair so she has nothing to remember him by. Which…okay.

So what does Darcy do? Glad you asked. He has a maid stay with Elizabeth and heads outside with a couple of footmen. They go to William’s grave, dig it up, extract the coffin and open it. Darcy cuts off a lock of hair, they re-bury it, and he heads inside to give the lock of hair to Elizabeth.

Well, that chapter was all sorts of fucked up.

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