Teams

 

There comes a time in the life of every naïve twelve-year-old girl – or, perhaps, every desperately lonely middle-aged housewife – when they must make a decision that will shape their lives for all eternity. One that will affect their friends, their families, their Facebooks, and their LiveJournal avatars.

This decision, of course, is when you come up to the plate, will you be batting for Team Edward or Team Jacob?

It’s a difficult question, and considering how much rides upon it, I thought I would put together a helpful checklist to aid you:

If:

  • you’re into necrophilia
  • you enjoy the thought of people you don’t know climbing through your window and watching you sleep
  • you like it when a man tells you what to do
    • (especially when he refuses to let you visit your friends)
    • (especially when he breaks your car to keep you from visiting them)
  • you don’t mind that he fantasizes about drinking your blood
  • you find stalking flattering
    • (especially when he reads your friends’ minds to do it)
  • you enjoy the thought of being penetrated by an icy-cold, rock-hard penis
    • (that’s permanently flaccid since he doesn’t have blood)
  • you love that he’ll commit suicide if he thinks you’re dead
  • you’re attracted to men 90 years older than you
    • (who are still virgins)
    • (who compose songs for you before they even know you)

And, of course:

  • you love the idea that he may someday perform an emergency C-section on you by ripping through your uterine wall with his TEETH…

Then congratulations!

You’re a member of Team Edward!

But!

If:

  • you’re into beastiality
  • you’re an exhibitionist
    • (because since he has a hive mind with his pack, shortly after you were ever intimate with him, six other people would know every explicit, sweaty detail)
  • you like it when men grab you and forcibly kiss you
    • (when they know that you like someone else)
    • (and are dating that someone else)
    • (and then brag about forcibly kissing you to your father)
  • you like your men to be sweet, thoughtful, and caring
  • and sexually attracted to toddlers
  • and really good at fixing motorcycles
  • wait, did I mention that you like your men to be sexually attracted to toddlers? Okay.
  • you like your men dark
  • you like your men shirtless
  • you’re okay that he’s sexually attracted to toddlers
  • you don’t have a problem with pedophiles

Because despite whatever hand waving Meyer might do:

  • YOU HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH THE FACT THAT HE’S SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO A TODDLER

Then congratulations!

You’re a member of Team Jacob!

All rights reserved. Please use responsibly. Does not include muscular Native American chests, smoldering gazes, Adonis features, lack of emotion, general vapidity, or vaguely Mormon moral codes regarding premarital sex. Side effects may include abusive relationships, battered woman syndrome, and the loss of your soul.

  3 Responses to “Teams”

  1. Team Angelus. He may be a psychotic homicidal maniac, but at least he’s up front about it.

  2. And he’s not attracted to toddlers.

  3. I like to imagine that Barnabas (the original series, not that crappy Jonny Depp movie.) comes to the 21rst century and kills Edward for being a putz.