Natural Harvest

 

Before we get started, I want to warn you again that this particular sporking is seriously disturbing, and should be read at your own discretion. Side effects may include extreme nausea, brain hemorrhaging, spontaneous blindness, and the loss of your will to live. Last chance, folks. Seriously.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Still with me? Okay. Here we go:

Last chance to turn back.

No, I’m not joking. And yes, I do actually own a copy of this book. Well, I did. I actually purchased it to give as a gag (pun intended) gift for a friend’s bachelorette party. Knowing that treasures such as this come rarely, and being an enterprising individual, I scanned some pages and wrote this article first.

On a side note, shortly after I bought it I received an automated email from the author (since it’s self-published and only available on Lulu.com) thanking me for my purchase and telling me he knew I was going to love the recipes, which was a little disturbing.

At first I couldn’t decide whether this book is intended to be taken seriously or is just an elaborate practical joke. On the one hand, there are a number of double entendres and not-so-subtle innuendos scattered throughout the book that could not possibly have found their way into the text unintentionally. However, there are warnings and admonishments scattered throughout the book that make me feel the author is quite serious about his semen-laced-recipes, and simply has enough of a sense of humor to add a little wink-wink-nudge-nudge to the text. Which, considering the subject matter, isn’t really that difficult.

So, while there is the off chance that this is an elaborate trollfic and the author is having a good laugh with his buddies at everyone who took them seriously, I’m going to treat this book as if it and its content is intended seriously.

Let’s begin with the dedication page:

To my enthusiastic friends who have encouraged me to finalise this cookbook.

As an author, it’s wonderful to have encouraging and enthusiastic friends. Still, I can’t help but wonder exactly what kind of friends this author has. I did a quick tally of all of my friends, and realized that approximately none of them would be particularly encouraging if I was writing a cookbook about the joys of cooking with man-mustard. Then again, maybe I just hang out in the right circles.

Surprisingly, the dedication page also includes a special notice at the bottom of the page. I say surprisingly, but I am forced to admit that I have very little on which to base my surprise. I have read very few semen-based cookbooks.

This cookbook is written for consenting diners of semen. Please do not add semen to your guest’s food without informing them beforehand.

I love the matter-of-fact way the author brings this up, as if mentioning this beforehand will somehow make the subject less taboo. Obviously, you shouldn’t serve everyone in your dinner party a six-course meal strafed with your own special sauce and then bring it up afterward just before you serve the man-crème brûlée; but how, precisely, does the author expect his readers to tackle the topic?

“Here’s your salad, Brian. Oh, by the way – I’ve been experimenting with this great book about cooking with semen. So I jerked off into the ranch dressing right before dinner. It’s cool, bro – I’ve been tested. Don’t worry about the flavor, I’ve already tried it. Turns out I add a medley of delightful flavors that really complement the spinach leaves!”

Then again, the next step of this delightful cookbook is to attempt to rationalize using semen as an ingredient. Maybe the author will share some helpful tips:

That’s all well and good, except “mammary secretions”, i.e. breast milk, are intended for consumption. Milk only exists to provide nourishment, whereas semen exists for reproduction and is only commonly ingested as a sexual fetish. I also feel I should point out that this paragraph is making excuses for using semen in recipes, rather than providing actual reasons.

Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen producers can generate a wide range of semen tastes simply by making minor dietary adjustments. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that.

I used to think it was good to have a dream. Now I’m not so sure.

But I guess the point of this entire cookbook is that semen adds delicious flavors to food that we cannot find elsewhere and that’s why it should be used as an ingredient, right? Fair enough. Whether the taste of semen is “complex and dynamic” really comes down to personal opinion, so I can’t argue this point. I’m not going to deny that there are plenty of things out there that people enjoy consuming. Let’s take shit, for example. There are people who, for reasons it’s best not to closely examine, enjoy consuming feces. That doesn’t mean that I am going to follow their example, because that’s fucking disgusting. But if the author really loves the taste of semen, who am I to judge?

Many meals – especially meat dishes – are too heavy to allow the nuanced properties of semen to be properly enjoyed. The joy derived from dining on these dishes comes primarily from knowing that the semen is there.

Wait…so now the author is suggesting that a lot of these recipes only include semen as a kink? I think this removes most of the credibility (if there was any in the first place) from the cookbook. What’s the point of adding semen to a recipe if you could achieve the exact same result by simply telling the diner that you added semen to it? You can’t have it both ways. Either you personally add the cream to the oatmeal because it adds a unique flavor that can’t be found elsewhere, or you rub one out into the chili carne cum because the diner gets off on eating your man chowder. And if the latter is the case, they probably don’t care about the flavor that much, because they’re probably in a sexual relationship with the chef and already in the habit of ingesting certain bodily fluids during moments of intimacy.

But whatever. Let’s move on to some of the recipes themselves:

  • High Protein Smoothie
  • Almost White Russian
  • Irish Coffee with Extra Cream
  • Slightly Saltier Caviar
  • Man Made Oysters
  • Roasted Lamb with Good Gravy
  • Noodles with Special Spicy Sauce
  • Creamy Cum Crepes
  • Cum Creme Caramel
  • Chocolate Cream Eclair
  • Spunky Candied Pecans
  • Creamy Dessert
  • Chocolate Truffles with White Creamy Center

Like I said, this book doesn’t shy away from the innuendos.

Let’s assume the humble reader is taking this book seriously and does actually intend to experiment with cooking with semen. Where should one start?

Heat up a lightly oiled frying pan/skillet. Removed from heat and ejaculate directly into the pan, return to heat and fry the semen without stirring. This will create a mini-omelette, or in some cases, many small omelette-drops. Salt and pepper to taste. This is the perfect introductory recipe for newbie semen cookers.

Makes sense, I guess. So you can truly appreciate the unadulterated semen flavor without the rest of the ingredients getting in the way of your enjoyment, right? But wait! If one is going to be planning an entire dinner party with semen-based recipes, how are you going to collect enough semen?

Chef’s Note: Keep a small container in the freezer and simply add (ejaculate) into the container every morning and then return it to the freezer. This way you will always have sufficient amounts of semen for cooking. By saving semen in this manner, you can quickly begin experimenting with the recipes that require larger quantities. Also, the frozen semen can be mixed with syrup and shaved ice to make yummy ice cones.

Okay then. So now you have enough semen to make an entire dinner. And you have a houseful of guests over. How should you get started?

Seafood and semen are made for each other. Adding semen to common appetizers is a great way to get the conversation started at your next dinner party. Semen will surely become the main attraction and may even steal the show.

I agree that serving semen-rich appetizers at a dinner party is a good way to get the conversation started. It’s also a good way to get served with a court summons. Does the author seriously expect the average reader to have a group of friends who would all be open to the idea of snacking on something that came out of their host’s penis? Just what sort of dinner parties does this guy have?

Let’s assume, though, because otherwise we’ll never get past this point, that you have a group of friends over, you’ve explained to all of them that tonight’s theme is jizz, and they’re all delighted with the idea and ready to experiment. So first of all, you’d whip out a bowl of Spunky Candied Pecans:

This is a great party snack. Prepare well in advance and let guests enjoy your delicious nuts while you put the finishing touch on their dinner.

Now, depending on what you like cooking, you might head outdoors to the barbecue to start grilling delicious slabs of meat with…sauce:

Masters of the Barbecue pride themselves on their own special homemade BBQ sauce. The basic ingredients are well known but every cook adds a personal ingredient to give theirs a special flavor.

Subtle.

Still, this book doesn’t give many recipes for cooking on the grill, so let’s forget the BBQ sauce and assume you’re making the Roasted Lamb with Good Gravy, despite the fact that your guests won’t be able to taste the semen in that dish. Clearly, you’ll need to compensate for that, and since you probably want your guests slightly tipsy for this next bit, it’s time to whip out some drinks.

While your guests suck these down like a prostitute sucks – I mean, while your guests get inebriated and the roasted lamb is in the oven, it’s time to serve the first course, which is everyone’s favorite: oysters!

Naturally, your guests may protest that this isn’t really a recipe, it’s just cold semen in an unusual serving dish. Not that there are really “usual” dishes for serving semen but – well, they kinda have a point. This is roughly equivalent to a cookbook about the joys of adding radishes to a variety of dishes introducing a recipe that states “For this next dish, stab a radish with a fork and then eat it raw.” That’s not a recipe. Nor, in my opinion, is squeezing a bit of lemon and pepper onto a radish and then eating it. However, semen is special enough that you may be able to get away with it. After all, just feast your eyes upon this picture:

How could anyone turn one of these down?

With your guest’s appetites whetted for more of your testicle juice, you can start chowing down on the lamb and gravy while you discuss the finer points of cooking with semen.

Like all other foods, the tastes and aromas of semen open up and are better appreciated when you are able to compare and discuss the different tastes with other connoisseurs. Semen is a complex food and has numerous different olfactory nuances.

On the off-chance that anyone at the table is on a diet, you can even open up a discussion on the health benefits of semen!

In case the old "semen prevents breast cancer" line doesn't work.

Finally, once the lamb is finished, it’s time for dessert:

A good dessert is the climax of any meal. For maximum freshness and the greatest visual appeal, add the semen right before serving. If the dining situation allows for more intimacy, you may wish to add the semen at the table which makes for a truly memorable dessert.

Right, so just visualize the scene here. You bring out a tray of chocolate cream éclairs to the table. Your guests exclaim in delight and reach in as one. You freeze them in place with a single upraised finger. “It’s not quite done yet,” you explain. You whip your belt off with a flourish and toss it aside. Your guests eye you in confusion as you drop trou, whip out every chef’s best friend, and start frenetically beating off. Slowly, their expressions change from confusion to understanding, and then, as you begin to hit your rhythm, to anticipation. They spontaneously burst into applause as you climax and unleash streams of factory-fresh baby batter over their dessert. “Ladies and gentlemen,” you say as you zip up, “enjoy.”

You are gazing into the pixels of the winning entry of America's Next Top Chef.

This book can be purchased by clicking here. It makes a great gift.

Questions? Comments? They can be directed to scavokretlaw@gmail.com If you’re merely writing to tell me how much you hate me, don’t bother. I did warn you.

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  • Dolandesign

    WOW. I MEAN WOW. I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO TRY SOME OF THOSE BANNED CHEESES FROM EUROPE, AND I GOT TO GIVE HAGGIS A TRY SOMEDAY, BUT THIS IS NUTS. (PARDON ME)

  • Aenon Nymos

    Did one of the recipe told you to wank into a frying pan? Really?

    Words left me.

  • http://silverbot-twice.livejournal.com/ Bot

    I was like THIS close to barfing, at the picture of the oysters.

  • Bob

    Now I’m afraid to go to a guest’s house for dinner.

  • ifeelill

    you wank fries with that?

  • semenbook

    You might just be interested in the fact that a new book is out soon… Semenology – The Semen Bartender’s Handbook. It will be available at cookingwithcum.com

  • glomerol

    The critique and comments crack me up. 😀
    No of course this book is not a good idea for a party of people who are not intimate with you. It’s for willing lovers.
    And I will add that many of us “happily” pop tortured factory-farm cow and pesticide-laden veggies in our mouths without a thought

  • wankette

    this was HILARIOUS love it !!!

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  • Rachel

    OH STARS, OH STARS, WHY MUST YOU KILL MY CURIOUSITY!?!

    On a related note, this is SO my present to my best friend. 3:)

  • Rachel

    There… NO. you- website-se-SHIT!!! There’s more?

  • MsRapture

    i dont think i can eat anywhere ever again thank you

  • Anna

    Thank you so much for writing this, I’ve been wanting to throw up and laughing so much throughout reading it. I was just typing cooking with and amazon suggested cooking with semen. Oh course reaction was wtf, but had to click to see if it was for real. I can’t believe there are two books and his video of making a mojito is so wrong. Cocktail book description includes “Semen is often freshly available behind most bar counters and adds a personal touch to any cocktail.” Had me in stitches. On the nutrition information, when he says as long as its fresh and properly harvested, what is the improper way of harvesting? Thank you for making me laugh so much.

    I may buy the book one day and just make the recipes for a dinner party minus the semen, but leave the book lying around for the guest to find. as a joke :-)

  • Leiah

    This, is strange I have to admit but I can see an actual target audience for this that would absolutely see this as a way of cooking….

  • S. S.
  • James

    More semen recipes and books can be found at http://www.CookingWithSemen.com. Check it out!

  • Flagon

    Dude, we’re not all Peter North, some of these serving sizes are a little “generous”.