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To understand the history behind this book trailer, you may want to read A Trip Inside the Mind of Team Tesch.
Note: (Captions in quotation marks is dialogue or voiceover narration from the trailer itself)
We begin with a poorly designed logo that tells us this show is supposedly called Celebrity Soup. That was the name of a UK comedy series…which ended in 2006. Some quick Googling tells us that there is no such show as Celebrity Soup that currently exists.
We meet our Show Host, Kyle Kendrick. I have several questions. First, why is there a caption telling us that he’s the show host? People who watch television shows know who the show host is. Second, who is Kyle Kendrick? IMDB says his only credit was on ER 12 years ago, which, if it’s the same person, would explain why he’s appearing as a fake show host for a fake news program that’s pimping out a fake published book by an all-too-real girl.
We get some shots of Gloria Tesch signing books, as our Host rambles for a bit:
So….they’re going to eat Gloria Tesch? Works for me! We then move on to the testimonials, starting with an uncredited woman who keeps glancing down to her right, almost as if she’s reading off hidden cue cards.
And, of course, her adorable little daughter:
We cut back to our host, who continues: “If you haven’t heard, Gloria Tesch is the world’s youngest novelist. At the age of fifteen, she has already written eight novels. So, how are her books doing, you ask?”
We’ve already gone over how Tesch is not the world’s youngest novelist, not by a long shot. But what I really don’t get is….where the fuck did eight novels come from? Even after Tesch split the series in half, that left her with six. More importantly, Team Tesch is paying this guy to act in this fake television show for them, and they didn’t even bother to re-shoot the scene?
We cut forward to another uncredited person.
You know, real news organizations have this little thing called “accreditation”, otherwise known as citing your sources. Generally speaking, you don’t just throw in quotes from unnamed people without some kind of citation. Why? Because audiences like to know who they’re hearing an opinion from. I find a random guy with white hair in a crowd a lot less credible than someone who is cited as, say, the bookstore manager?
Of course, I’m pretty sure the reason Team Tesch didn’t bother crediting anyone was because they were afraid the people would be tracked down after the fact and asked to back up their statements.
That’s probably because it is a good thing, you idiot.
There are so many inaccuracies here it’s difficult to know where to begin. Let’s start with the publishers. It’s true that publishers print a certain amount of books and then distribute them to be sold. However, once those books are gone, they print some more. That’s kind of what publishers do, they sell books to make money. And if a book is selling enough to make them have to go back and print more copies, don’t you think the publishing company would be really happy to do that? Since it will make them more money?
I suppose this idiot might be referring to the fact that Maradonia is self-published, but he’s still completely wrong. Vanity publishers let you choose the amount of books you buy from them. And, on the off chance that the Tesches did, in fact, sell out the first run of their self-published book, all they would need to do is place a new order from the vanity publisher and buy some more.
It’s probably a good thing this guy wasn’t credited, otherwise I would send him a very hostile email.
“So, what’s in the books that makes them so appealing?” our host continues.
No, seriously? The two main characters were your favorites? That’s like asking someone who their favorite character in Harry Potter is and them replying “Harry Potter”. I mean, yeah, this kid is about ten, but you’d think they could have found a better clip to include in this video. Or at least written her some new lines.
We cut to a couple of young actors standing in front of a really, really obvious green-screen. Yes, it’s some clips from Maradonia which Team Tesch filmed and spliced into their book trailer, for reasons beyond my comprehension.
The kid playing Joey actually has a bit of acting ability, although he doesn’t have much to work with. The girl playing Maya, however, couldn’t act her way out of a cardboard box.
Yes. That is an actual line. “Joey, I’m afraid.”
And off they run, as giant fanged bats swoop down after them. Yes, giant fanged bats. Not Crassus the demon apostle. And…we’re back to the uncredited testimonials:
I beg to differ. I myself have written a very, very long sporking of the first book in the Maradonia “Saga”, and I have to say I don’t think I have ever read a story whose heroes were more selfish and unlikable than Maya and Joey.
We cut back to our host, who continues overacting. It’s like he’s trying to see how many bizarre facial expressions he can wedge into this video.
I don’t think that word means what you think it means.
Nothing against this guy, as I’m sure he’s just an unemployed college dropout out to make a buck, but seriously? This is the guy you want representing your fanbase? Or was this the only guy who was willing to let you sign his forehead?
“Some people are even coming out dressed as characters from the books,” our host continues.
I don’t recognize either of these characters, but let’s set that aside for a moment. As I have already said, Tesch has no fans. There isn’t a single fan website anywhere on the internet. I have yet to find a single legitimate, positive review. The book itself is an absolute mess. Yeah, I can theoretically see some 10-year-olds enjoying it, but Team Tesch seriously expects us to believe that grown men like her books so much they’re dressing up as characters from the books and standing in line to get autographs?
We cut forward to…another video clip from the book. Ah, it’s starting to make more sense now. The guy who is dressed up as one of the characters in line? He’s actually an actor who is portraying Abbadon. Why an actor who was paid by Team Tesch is also standing in line pretending to be a fan waiting for an autograph, I don’t know. It even makes me wonder if everyone else standing in line might also be paid actors….
Anyway, this guy’s acting is legendarily bad.
I swear, those are his lines. I know it looks like he’s singing “The Sound of Music,” but he’s actually trying to be menacing. The actor here is putting on a really ridiculous accent and drawing the words out, so instead of “I am here to kill you!” it is more like “Aye ham here to kuHEEL YEW!!!!1111.”
I have to say, the Tesches should demand their money back from whoever put together this piece of shit. You can see the outline of the green-screen around the edge of Astrodoulos’ robe!
In response, Abbadon leaps in the air, spins in a pirouette, swirls his cloak dramatically, growls, and shoots lightning from his fingertips.
Just dance! It’ll be okay…..
And…we’re back to the uncredited testimonials.
I don’t know what that means.
Next, we have a really, really cheap CGI effect with some “spooky” sounding ghosts wailing.
And…we’re back to film clips from the book.
And we’re back to the testimonials:
The Chronicles of Narnia, for one. I do find it interesting that in many of these “testimonials” don’t actually mention Tesch by name. While it’s certainly plausible that Team Tesch just paid these people off, it’s also possible that they interviewed people about completely different books and just cleverly intercut it.
We’re back to the pudgy white-haired guy:
As he talks, we get a few shots of the crowd:
I might be misreading their expressions, but the guy seems to be thinking “What am I doing with my life?” while the woman is thinking “They seriously published this shit?”
And we’re back to the Host.
Right. “Moguls” are interested in making a film of a book that is self-published, almost universally despised, and doesn’t have any fans. That’s believable. And then, for no apparent reason, we cut to a close-up of some guy lighting a cigar:
Remember, kids, smoking kills.
We cut to a shot of a girl walking in slow motion down a hallway:
Her hair is being blown backward from the intense indoor wind that goes through hallways. She strolls into her cigar-smoking boss’ office. He’s reading Entertainment Weekly, the preferred magazine of all Hollywood and New York moguls. The girl parks herself on her boss’ desk and drops a couple of folders onto his laptop.
In perhaps the only realistic scene in this entire trailer, Cigar Guy is not happy with getting a handout with pictures of Gloria Tesch’s novels on them.
And into the trash they go. The girl stalks off, rolling her eyes. Cigar Guy peeks over the top of Entertainment Weekly and then surreptitiously pulls the folders out of the garbage.
I’m not sure how someone can see that someone is a billion [!!] dollar industry from seeing covers of their self-published novels – which, I should add, isn’t really that impressive. I myself had written six novels by the time that I was fifteen. And like Tesch, all of my novels were pretty shitty. Unlike Tesch, my parents didn’t say I was a genius and throw money at me.
Also, it’s worth pointing out that a person cannot be an industry.
Cigar Guy stands up, whips out a bullhorn, and, – I am dead serious – yells “Action!”
Why would this guy have a bullhorn in his office? Why would he decide to yell “Action” at the ceiling of his empty office? And why does poorly computer-generated fire come out of his nostrils immediately afterward?
You thought I was making that up, didn’t you?
We then cut to an image of the six Maradonia books with flames behind them, and then to an image of a very, very poorly animated creepy guy:
And finally, we have the final shot of the trailer:
For some reason they’ve decided to change the name to “Maradonia and the 7 Bridges”, for reasons I cannot fathom. It just looks moronic.