Recap of Books One & Two
Maradonia and the Seven Bridges
- Maya beats up a goth and Joey tries to drown his sister. Some doves rescue her.
- On the advice of a creepy old neighbor they go to a forbidden beach and find a cave into Maradonia where they join forces with a wisdom-dispensing grasshopper
- They encounter an evil spider and a poison glitter tree and a fortunetelling toad. King Roach (God) sends an eagle named Sagitta who carries them to Poseidon Rock, where Joey almost drowns due to his own stupidity
- They get lost in the jungle and Joey murders a snake and Maya almost drowns but Joey rescues her
- They meet some crying unicorns and confront an evil creature named Gertrude and almost die but Sagitta and Cato (who we shall call Thor) save them and free the unicorns
- They ride the unicorns over to a valley where everyone greets them as their saviors
- Commander Justin consults a medium and tries to poison Maya and Joey, but Libertine warns them and Justin dies.
- Joey tests the army by starving them. Maya swims with some mermaids
- The Powers of Evil show up and Maya and Joey agree to be barbecued but Sagitta and another chap show up to rescue them
- Some fishermen try to kill them but through a lucky coincidence Joey figures out what’s going on. They befriend the murderous fishermen and Maya gets a free dog
- They arrive at Selinka and party.
- Apollyon has a Club of Evil
- They meet AstroJesus who explains that if they bathe in a pool of blood they’ll become invincible. They do. The Powers of Evil attack and kill a few people because Genarius is a bad general but everyone else is invincible
- Joey gets a Deus ex Machina hat
- They decide to rescue the unicorns and mermaids
- Apollyon sings the Mother Earth Song
- They travel to Apollyon’s fortress and walk inside without a problem. Joey nicks the Key to the Underworld, decides not to help people in Hell, and they help the mermaids and unicorns escape
- Joey starts a forest fire
- Some random guy tries to betray everyone and gets killed. But Abbadon is able to sneak inside the city, fights AstroJesus, and they both die
- Genarius is crowned king. He and Maya and Joey use their magical powers to blow up some bombs in the enemy camp
- Apollyon raises Abbadon from the dead
- Genarius marries Ruchi
- Maya uses her Deus ex Machina hat to discover a treasonous plot to murder Genarius and blame Maya and Joey. Maya foils the plot and her dog drinks the poison and dies.
- They head home, meet up with Hoppy the grasshopper, and watch the mermaids kill some people
- Joey makes out with a mermaid and sets another forest on fire
- They talk to the fortunetelling toad and then go home.
Maradonia and the Gold of Ophir
- Some UFOs show up in Oceanside, Florida.
- Maya is having problems adjusting to being normal, so The Gothic Movement decides to beat the shit out of Maya. At the hospital, Libertine the dove shows up and says that Maradonia needs their help.
- A couple of spirits show up and are looking for Maya and Joey. They kill the principal.
- Libertine brings some magical athelas which heals Maya.
- The Gothic Movement consults a Ouija board to figure things out, but when the spirits shows up, Alana Terrence loses her shit and runs outside and is killed by a car.
- Maya and Joey’s aunt has some perfectly timed cancer, so their parents take off to go visit her. They head for Maradonia, are intercepted by the evil spirits and the UFOs, but Joey pulverizes them with the Key to the Underworld.
- They go to visit the fortunetelling toad, Oraculus, but the Evil Fairies beat them and kill Oraculus. Joey stands around and lets it happen because he’s forgotten that he’s completely invincible, invisible, and in possession of the most powerful magical object in the known universe. Joey frets about this. Then they meet some more toads and have their fortunes told anyway.
- They board a ship but a cyclone pops up and the ship crashes but everyone makes it ashore an island. Danny is bit by a snake, but they get some magic potion from some chick and heal the kid. Then they heal someone else with a Miracle Swing Word of Magic.
- They wander around and eavesdrop on random people and catch a few traitors who discuss their treason openly in bars.
- They go diving to look for the gold. Assassins come to kill them but fail because they’re incompetent. Candace dies, and Ginger is arrested. Some traitors try to kill Joey, so he torches them with the Key.
- Some dragons show up and take them to Tyronia, where the king names Joey his heir and then dies and Joey becomes King.
- Maya heads back to Selinka, chats up King Genarius, says that he needs to murder the shit out of the traitors, and plays tonsil hockey with Captain Henry.
- Some nurses attempt to kill Prince Michael by choking him with a bit of apple. Maya finds Michael, hops aboard a dragon, and they fly around until the changing air pressure pops the apple loose, restarts Michael’s heart, and cures the brain damaged caused by the lack of oxygen.
- Instead of taking Michael home to Genarius, who thinks his son is dead, Maya heads off on a road trip, where she learns magical sword fighting and becomes a warrior equal to Eragon within a few days.
- Plouton betrays Abbadon and chains him to a rock to have vultures feed on his liver for all eternity. Apollyon’s ravens fuck a bunch of hawks and create an ungodly crossbreed called Rawkens.
- Genarius, convinced his son is dead, drinks hemlock. Maya shows up and Genarius isn’t annoyed at all that she has been gadding around letting him think his only son is alive. He names her queen to rule until Michael is of age.
- A bunch of rebels storm City Hall. Maya gets out her sword, slaughters forty of them, and has the rest arrested.
- At Maya’s coronation, Joey flirts with Princess Krimmy and then is lured away and abducted by the mermaid, Morgana. Morgana tries to turn Joey into a merman but fails and Joey is rescued and they recover all the gold of Ophir.
- Plouton blames Abbadon’s disappearance on Joey and the Powers of Evil decide to attack the good guys.
- They head out to catch General Felipe, the traitor, when he tries to recover the gold. There’s a sham trial, Felipe and his compatriots are found guilty and executed, except Maya lets a few of them go free through her own incompetence.
- Maya and Joey decide to forge a new treaty with some people in order to kick King Apollyon’s ass once and for all.
You know this is not that bad…I mean I come from Wattpad and I feel like throwing up the next time I read another ‘mysterious hot technically abusive guy likes mary sue’ story.
Oh wait none of those writers have parents throwing money at them.
What’s with the evil spider before the glitter tree? I don’t remember that from the sporking.