Part 9: A Warm Welcome Wagon

Chapter Thirty – Pact with the Evil Empire

Plouton shows up at the island of Akron with the evil fairies, the Demon Apostle Krassus and Krassus’ “slick servant” Larivier. Plouton is glad to be back on solid land again.

The darkness felt reassuring around him because he enjoyed twilight (page 241).

Insert your favorite Twilight joke here.

They walk in and are suddenly surrounded by armed pirates who demand they identify themselves and state their business. Lorris whips out her index finger (capable of stopping someone’s heart) but Plouton steps forward and gives the pirate captain a death glare. The captain keels over, dead. So for Plouton, a death glare really is a death glare.

“That’s what I call a warm welcome wagon!” The Demon Apostle Krassus nodded. His slick servant Larivier stood like a clown behind Krassus and snickered like a Hyena (page 241).

How do you stand like a clown?

Gertrude orders the pirates to take them to the Shadow Monarch. One of the pirates asks a question, so Plouton kills him with a glare.

“Holy mackrel!” (page 242)

You know, I never thought anyone, especially pirates, would ever actually say that. Although, I guess it makes more sense for a pirate to say something like that. You know, because pirates sail the ocean, and mackrel is a misspelling of mackerel, which is a fish.

After a bit, they get inside to where Geierkralle is sitting on his throne, surrounded by gold and treasure and bottles of rum (both full and empty). Typical scallywag.

Plouton explains that they came to ‘seal the deal’, although I expect he’s using that phrase in a different way than you might expect. Geierkralle is down, but he asks what’s in it for him. This infuriates Gertrude, who screams at him for being stupid and exposits that they already told him that after they won, Geierkralle gets the throne of Tyronia. She kind’ve has a point. Since all of this was discussed before, that was a pretty stupid question.

Larivier, the slick servant of the Demon Apostle Krassus snickered like a Hyena (244).

I get it, Tesch. He’s slick, the DAK is his master, and he snickers like an Unnecessarily Capitalized Hyena.

Geierkralle, who I will refer to from now on as “Geek” because I’m not about to type out that fucking name, wants to know that they’re not lying to him:

“…because everyone knows that the Powers of Darkness come to destroy, to kill and that King Apollyon is the father of all lies!” 

“We are not lying to you,” Plouton confirmed warmly (page 244).

See, that’s the problem with liars, it doesn’t matter if you want them to ‘confirm’ things, they still might be lying. Geek, though, is convinced, because as a pirate the thought doesn’t enter his mind that they might be trying to double-cross him. He chugs a bottle of rum and they sign a treaty, which I’m guessing is fit for Geek to wipe his ass on and not much else.

The Club of Evil is about to head off, but then a hottie walks in with a tray of food for Geek. She trips, sending food flying everywhere. Plouton is intrigued, so he asks Geek, who explains that she randomly fell out of the sky and they fished her out of the ocean and now they use her as a slave even though she’s basically useless when it comes to cleaning and serving. Of course, my question is why they don’t just make her work as a whore, since her only redeeming quality is her attractiveness, but I guess Tesch didn’t want to go that route.

After a few more questions, Plouton starts to put the pieces together and converses mentally with Gertrude. They agree that this slave is probably a member of the Gorgonian royal family and that she is ridiculously eyeball-singingly hot.

Plouton buys Krimmy from Geek and grabs her arm. Krimmy bites him and Plouton starts bleeding blue blood. But the Demon Apostle puts Krimmy into a trance and Plouton picks her up and carries her out. By this point, he’s realized who Krimmy is, so he decides that he’s going to try and trade her for the Key to the Underworld.


Chapter Thirty-One – Behind the Scenes

We jump back to the Kingfish Festival and everyone is having a great time except Joey, who is worried about Krimmy. He deals with this by chugging wine, crying, then chugging more wine. He frets about Krimmy, then chugs more wine, and after a bit he starts puking everywhere.

After awhile, Maya stops dancing with Rasmos and goes to see what Joey is up to. She finds him lying on the ground, drunk off his ass and covered in vomit. Joey explains that Krimmy was captured by pirates. Maya reassures him that they’ll rescue Krimmy and puts Joey to bed. She then opens a telepathic comlink with Libertine and Master Dominatio.

Libertine explains that Krimmy is alive, all bout the treaty that Plouton and Geek just signed, and what the battle movements of the Club of Evil will be over the next few weeks, which is fortunate, because it prevents Maya and Joey from actually having to do anything or actually try to fight a war…you know, where they don’t know all the most intimate details of their enemy’s battle plans in advance so they can plan for them and there’s no tension or the slightest chance they might fail?

Maya heads out and explains what’s going on to Rasmos. He’s intrigued and impressed, so naturally he has to verbally cunnilingue Maya:

“Queen Maya, you have the knowledge and the brain of an experienced admiral.” (page 259)

Because an old man and a sentient dove explained all of this to Maya. Of course she’s the genius.

Rasmos agrees to gather their armada and crush the Club of Evil. Then he asks Maya to dance.

Chapter Thirty-Two – No Substitute For Victory

Krimmy angsts. Larivier laughs like a hyena (not Capitalized this time).

Chapter Thirty-Three – Krimhilda’s Journal

This chapter is a little…weird. It’s written oddly and the content is just bizarre. I don’t really know what to make of it so I’ll just relate what happens and you can figure it out.

About thirty riders under the Demon Apostle, who also have Krimmy with hem, surround the estate of a Count. The estate is pretty. Krassus sent some men to purchase provisions and shelter, instead of just taking it, because he’s evil. But apparently the Count’s custodian is unable to make decisions while the Count is gone (and the Count is gone), making him the most worthless custodian ever. So he turns the men away and won’t let them buy anything.

Unsurprisingly, this pisses Krassus off, so he sets the house on fire. His soldiers kill everyone who resists, and the rest of them run off. The house burns to the ground, but the barns are fine, which is good because that’s where all the food is kept.

Meanwhile, Krimmy is hiding in some trees and she hears a mother’s voice reciting a nonsensical poem that apparently is some kind of spell. Which doesn’t work. The mother is carrying a dead baby girl and dragging a little boy who asks where his Dad is. The mother explains that Dad is dead. Krimmy is saddened by this.

Krimmy then sees the custodian talking to the Count…who is hanging out in the woods, apparently. The custodian, whose name is Jeremy, [!!!] explains, over the course of two pages, about everything that happened in excruciating detail. I don’t know why. This entire sequence is completely irrelevant to the story and has absolutely no impact on any of the main characters. I can only assume Tesch threw it in to pad out the story.

Finally, Krimmy pops out from behind a tree and asks them to pass a message on to either Queen Maya or King Joey. They’re slightly astonished, and so am I. Why, precisely, was DAK’s incredibly valuable prisoner left alone in the woods? Why isn’t she…I dunno, being guarded?

Krimmy gives the Count a heavy gold chain to compensate him for the house, because apparently the pirates never bothered to frisk her after they captured her. Or they frisked her and decided to let her keep her incredibly valuable gold chain. Sounds like pirates. The Count and Jeremy take off.

Larivier shows up and laughs like a hyena. Good lord. Tesch, I really don’t give a fuck what his laugh sounds like. So he sounds like a hyena, get over it.

Krimmy yells at Larivier because he’s a ‘slick murderer’ and not very nice. Krassus steps in and they go back to the estate, where a feast is spread out. Krimmy gets some food and retreats to a corner to write in her journal about how much she loves Joey and about everything that has happened to her. Now, I’ve never been kidnapped and held by a Club of Evil, but if I were, one of the things I wouldn’t do is record my innermost thoughts into a journal my enemies could easily take away and then use the contents against me. Maybe that’s just me, though.

And then….we enter Krimmy’s journal, where we remain, in the first person, for the next eight pages. I don’t think I’m going out on a limb here when I say that there are many, many better ways Tesch could have used these eight pages. Mostly because nothing happens. You think I’m joking? Here’s what happens:

They walk. It rains. They cross a river. Krassus smiles. Larivier chuckles. It rains some more. A rock hits Krimmy in the face. Krimmy doesn’t loose her bag, which is good, even though I’d be more worried about if she might LOSE her bag. They ride. There are rocks. There’s a landslide! Krimmy loves Joey. She lands in a swamp. Which is in a pit. So the bad guys lower a rope and Krimmy escapes but another guy dies. It’s very sad.


  9 Responses to “Part 9: A Warm Welcome Wagon”

  1. This fucking book…

  2. I’m wondering why nobody has tried to kill Libertine. Maybe I’m missing or have forgotten a plot point but, if there was a single, easy to recognize bird flying around everywhere I went I’d be suspicious that it was a messenger bird or something of the like, and fucking kill it. I have no idea why people who are ‘evil’ and ‘fearsome’ enough to go to war with aren’t on the look out for such things. Then again, its Tesch and lets face it…there is just no cure for stupid.

  3. Finally another update! I really love this sporking!

  4. I knew it! Twilight is the favorite book of evil evilly evil villains!

  5. I’ve been wondering if villains in this project of mine come across as evil as I intended them to be. I wonder no more, because this is a good example to the contrary. =)

    How do you stand like a clown?

    Now now, I’ve seen some clowns. They’re pretty funny people. But they stand like regular guys – both feet on the ground. Now, there’s some strategic differences between clowns and regular guys in the falling-down department, though…

  6. laughs like a hyena.

    As an Aussie, I can’t help but remember this ad.

  7. …is the perfect antidote to depression

  8. “This chapter is a little…weird. It’s written oddly and the content is just bizarre.”
    Isn’t that what EVERY chapter of this story is like, though?

  9. What if hyenas were the good guys all along?