Part Two


We cut away to a shadow on the desert ground that depicts a man on a cross. After a few seconds, the shadow fades as the sun goes behind a cloud. We cut to an empty shot of the desert floor. There’s a spooky sound effect, and two bare feet lower slowly into the shot. Then we cut to a new shot, this time of the feet facing us. Now there are bloody marks on the feet which very clearly weren’t there a moment ago. We can also see that this guy is standing next to the snow globe on the ground.

Although, considering this guy’s legs are perfectly hairless, it’s entirely possible it’s a woman.

This is disproven a moment later as we slowly pan up, revealing the rest of Jesus. He has similar bloody marks on the top of both hands, but when he turns his hands around, it reveals there is no blood marks on the inside of his palms. Apparently the nails didn’t go all the way through.

Far more interesting, however, is the computer circuitry attached to his wrists. As we continue to pan up, the low neckline of his robe reveals a motherboard glued to his chest as well.

I know kung fu.

Before we see his face we cut away to CGI stock footage of a zoom through a computer tunnel:

The stock footage loops twice and then we cut to a close-up of Jesus himself, the Being, played by Neil Breen. And honestly, since he isn’t going to be addressed by name anywhere in this movie, and his character really doesn’t have any personality, I’m just going to call him Neil.

Neil looks back and forth a few times. Then there’s a swishing sound effect and there is a series of small cuts interspersing a creepy but obviously rubber face mask instead of Neil’s face.

This series of quick cuts between Neil and the alien is never really explained in any way, but I assume the point here is that the mask is the way the alien looks, but he can also make himself look like Neil Breen. Why he would make himself look like Neil Breen is beyond me.

I have no fucking idea what the computer circuitry is supposed to mean, however. It’s not addressed and it has no impact on the plot in any way. And it’s about to disappear and never show up again.

We cut back to the same slow pan up that we just saw. Neil glances back and forth. Then we cut to the close-up of the quick intercuts between Neil’s face and the alien mask. Then we cut back to the exact same pan up that we’ve seen three times now. Seriously, there is only about 30 minutes of actual footage in this film, everything else is just repeated over and over again.

Finally, Neil picks up the snow globe and hoists it dramatically into the sky. We cut to a long shot of Neil walking across the desert, and then cut to a new shot that is a slow pan to the left, eventually revealing six crosses standing in the middle of the desert. Cut to a shot of the same crosses from a different angle, this time with Neil walking along behind them in his dress. Cut back to the same long shot of Neil walking across the desert that we just saw.

Then we cut to a close-up of Neil, and seven minutes into this film, we get the first line of dialogue. “I’m disappointed in your species,” Neil intones to the empty desert. “The human species,” he clarifies a moment later. Yes, and I’m disappointed in your movie, Neil.

We cut over to a shot of part of a human skull lying on the desert floor, which actually looks marginally realistic. It’s sitting next to an obviously fake rubber spider, however.

We cut to the same shot of Neil walking across the desert for the third time, and then a new shot of him walking past a single red rose that is growing out of the desert. How a rose is surviving in this harsh and unforgiving climate is a question I’m sure you’re asking yourselves, and the answer is not well – it’s broken in half and is hanging off to the side. However, after a moment we cut to a new shot, as we slowly pan up the rose is revealed as being miraculously healed. This is Neil’s power: the ability to heal broken plants.

The pan continues for a torturously long time, finally setting on the same long shot of Neil walking across the desert, now for the fourth time. Then we’re back to the close-up of Neil. He explains, while glancing around the desert at his enraptured audience of dust, that other planets in the solar system are doing very well. “They respect their species, and the natural environment.” Uh…Neil, buddy, I hate to break this to you…the other planets in our solar system are uninhabited. There aren’t any species there.

We cut to the famous stock footage shot of the dolphins swimming through the ocean, and then back to Neil on his knees, picking up the skull. The fake spider is gone. “Why are the humans failing?” he asks the skull. “I’ve given them everything.”

"I knew him, Horatio!"

After a moment he repeats “I’ve given them everything.” Then, after another second, “Everything.” This is another director trademark of Breen’s: nonsensical repetition of dialogue.

We see the same shot of Neil walking across the desert, now for the fifth time, then cut to a medium shot of his smoothly waxed legs walking across the desert, past a group of baby doll heads sticking out of the desert floor.

Wait, what?

You thought I was making this up, didn't you?

In another shot, Neil walks by six more doll heads. It’s pretty clear they aren’t buried in the ground, which *might* be what Breen is going for here (I have no idea what the dolls are supposed to represent, the symbolism is lost on me), but instead, they were severed from the doll bodies and then just balanced on the ground.

We cut to the shot of Neil and the desert, now repeated for the sixth time in this movie – and we’re only nine and a half minutes in. Then we slowly circle a solitary doll head and suddenly we’re inside a bedroom. A girl is lying on the bed, naked, with wings tattooed onto her shoulder blades.

You're welcome.

Neil slowly backs away from her. He’s shirtless, has man-boobs, and he’s wearing mom jeans. Before I can process the full horror of this, we’re back to the same long shot in the desert…now for the seventh time. Fortunately, this time it only lasts for a few seconds before we cut to the close-up of Neil…and then the goddamn intercuts with the alien mask start again. And….we’re back to the long shot of Neil walking across the desert, now for the eighth time.

Finally we cut to a new shot of the empty desert and slowly pan to the right to reveal a white pickup truck parked in the desert with the tailgate down and the pickup bed cover raised. Sitting on the tailgate is a man and a woman, along with an enormous duct-taped package of what I can only assume is heroin. It’s been cut open with and there’s white powder spilling out. An awful lot of white powder. C’mon, guys. That stuff is expensive!

They take a swig on their bottles of Miller Lite. I’d comment on the blatant product placement here, except I’m sure Miller Lite wants absolutely nothing to do with this movie.

The man picks up a plastic handgun and fires a couple shots into the air, for some reason. Which, considering where he’s sitting, and the angle he fired it from, the bullet should have gone through the top of the truck bed camper. The woman tells him he’s crazy. Then, in case he didn’t get it, she tells him he’s crazy again.

“You think I’m crazy?” he asks. He puts the semi-automatic to his head and pulls the trigger. There’s a click. Uh…that’s a semi-automatic, not a revolver. If there’s a bullet in the gun, you’re going to die.

Hilariously, the woman flinches from the trigger being pulled a full two seconds after the fact.

The man explains that he is very high, and wants her very badly. The woman replies that she wants him as well, although I’m having difficulty accepting the actress’ delivery here as she’s pretty clearly repulsed by this guy. The man reaches over and unbuttons another button of her shirt, then evidently loses interest and looks over at the syringe sitting next to him on the tailgate. He picks it up, presses the plunger so a few drops come out, then slowly brings it over to his right arm. Wait. No rubber hose? No tapping the vein? C’mon, Breen, if you’re going to depict people mainlining drugs you might as well do it properly!

The man stops with the needle still an inch away from his arm. We cut over to the woman watching him, and when we cut back the needle is still an inch away from his arm and his vein is bleeding profusely. This is actually one of the only blood effects in the film that is believable, so I won’t complain about it.

Neil enters the scene, or at least we cut to a shot of him gazing off into the distance. However, a moment later the man and woman realize he’s there. The man grabs his gun and fires a couple shots at Neil. Wait, you just established that this gun is empty. How are there bullets in it now?

The man thinks they’ve died and gone to heaven, which doesn’t really make sense unless you believe heaven is a desert.

She's not a fan of bras, either.

Neil explains their weapons cannot harm him, which is difficult to believe, considering there are two gaping holes in his chest. I’m using the phrase ‘gaping holes’ liberally, here. Actually there are two small dark circles colored onto his robe with a small patch of red dye around it. Neil raises his hand and slowly passes it in front of his chest, and as he does so, his hand glows white. There’s an obvious cut, where Neil changes his robe, and when the hand goes past the bullet holes are gone.

The woman asks if they’ve died and gone to heaven, but Neil says no. He adds that this is not what he intended with his experiment of creating this planet. Well, Neil, that’s what happens when you give people free will. They mess up your plan. Neil adds, again, that he’s disappointed in their species.

The man decides they should get out of there, so he and the woman leap up to run for it. Neil waves his hand which glows white again and freezes the two of them in mid stride. Man, that glowing hand can accomplish pretty much anything.

Neil comes over and start taking the man’s shirt off, revealing a pooch of belly fat and a rather hairy torso. It’s rather hard not to notice the actor is visibly trembling with the effort of holding still. A moment later we cut away to the desert floor. The man’s shirt flies into frame and hits the ground, followed by his jeans a moment later. Neil discards his robe and puts on the man’s clothing, which, unsurprisingly, fit him perfectly.

We cut back to the man and woman, who are lying unconscious on the ground. Neil explains, in a voiceover, that he had to freeze them and make them disappear. He waves his glowing hand and then we cut to an empty shot of the ground. Neil climbs into the man’s truck and drives away, and we hold on a long, long shot of the truck getting further and further away. Hang on a second. Neil created the entire solar system, presumably through the power of his glowing hands. He can heal his body and his clothes, stop time, make people invisible – he’s essentially God.Why does he need to steal someone’s clothes and car? Can’t he just conjure up clothes out of nothing?

In the next shot, we slowly pan to the left, revealing a road that’s…well, it’s completely empty. Then we cut over to a chain-link fence surrounding a field covered with solar panels. Again, we slowly pan to the left, finally revealing Neil gazing off into space. As soon as the camera stops moving, he takes a breath and begins talking about how long it has taken for humans to understand solar energy. Here’s a tip, Neil. Don’t slowly pan over to someone and then have them start talking. It makes it look like they’re standing there waiting for their cue to say their line, which is exactly what they’re doing. When you’re making movies, you should try and hide that stuff.

We cut to aerial stock footage of fields filled with solar panels. It lasts for thirty seconds. Thirty seconds doesn’t seem like a very long time, but when you’re looking at stock footage of solar panels, it feels like an eternity. Finally we cut to…aerial stock footage of a hilltop covered in wind turbines. I love wind turbines! They kill tens of thousands of birds each year.

Finally we get back to original footage, which is of Neil driving. It’s not particularly interesting. After a few seconds we see a sign for Las Vegas that has fallen off the signpost. There’s a tarantula on top of it, slowly crawling towards the camera. And when I say ‘crawling’, I mean someone tied a thread to it and is dragging it along the ground. The camera pans up to show us the highway and it holds for about fifteen seconds or so, and then we’re back to Neil driving. He glances at his rearview mirror, glances at his side mirror, glances at the other side mirror, glances out the window.

This driving sequence is making me long for the action-packed driving sequence in Manos: The Hands of Fate.

Suddenly Neil arrives in Las Vegas. He passes a Jack-in-the-Box restaurant. After a bit, the camera switches angles and shows a few Las Vegas landmarks. And….suddenly we’re someone’s backyard with a pool. Two woman are lying facedown on flotation devices without their bikini tops. We’ll see this scene in much more detail later, but suffice it to say there is no discernable reason why this footage should have been spliced into the driving scene.

On the other hand, maybe Breen realized that his audience would be falling asleep, and decided to throw some titillation in there, because there’s nothing quite so titillating as a woman’s bare shoulder blades.

Part Three