Part Five

Cindy walks along a suburban street pushing her baby – I mean, her doll – in a stroller, and passes Wheels, who’s headed the opposite direction. A toy falls on the ground [supposedly dropped by the baby, but it’s clear the actress playing Cindy did it]. Wheels scoops it up, gets Cindy’s attention, and tells her her baby dropped the toy. Cindy thanks him, takes the toy, and keeps going. As Wheels watches her walk away, his line from earlier plays in voiceover about cancer chemo kicking his ass.

We cut to a shot of Neil waving his glowing hand – I guess Neil just happened upon this scene as well – and suddenly Wheels is much younger and being played by ShittyHaircut (although the characters are different).

Neil puts his hand on Wheels’ shoulder and tells him to go after Cindy and to live a long and happy life. Wheels rolls towards Cindy, who is not even remotely surprised an old man transformed into a young man right before her eyes. Wheels gets up out of the wheelchair, miraculously cured of both his cancer and whatever was keeping him in the wheelchair, which also doesn’t surprise Cindy. He and Cindy spend a moment or two looking into each other’s eyes and then walk away, hand in hand. In the only competent effect of the entire movie, after a glowing handwave from Neil, the wheelchair vanishes. See, Neil! It’s simple, why couldn’t you have done it with that couple in the beginning?

We cut over to Aron in a parking lot. He inserts a screwdriver into the lock of a minivan and wiggles it, which instantly unlocks it. He then removes a couple boxes from inside the van and takes off running. Yes, it turns out that when Aron said he was going to become a “car thief”, it actually meant he was going to steal stuff from inside cars. And not even valuable things, like car stereos – he’ll just grab random bags and boxes from inside vehicles without even checking the contents!

He repeats the process by stealing a couple bags from a truck, and then we cut forward to him walking up to the Gangster’s Paradise and a couple gangsters holding automatic weapons. The gangsters tell Aron they’ve heard a lot about him. Yes, it turns out that stealing things out of cars is enough to get you noticed by organized crime syndicates.

Aron tells them he wants to join their gang. Big Ears walks up and says that sounds good, and puts his arm around Aron’s shoulders. There’s a problem though: he’s been robbing people on their turf, which has been bringing unwanted attention to the gang…that stands around holding automatic weapons in broad daylight…I probably shouldn’t overthink this.

Aron knocks Big Ears’ hand away and says fuck you, this is just about business, which sounds awfully disrespectful when you’re facing a couple guys holding automatic weapons. One of the gangsters replies that it’s not business, it’s family. Wait…this is supposed to be a crime family? Please. This gang has a couple black guys, a few Latinos, a few white guys, and a European white guy with a Korean accent. None of them are related.

Big Ears grabs Aron around the neck and drops him to his knees. He pulls out a kitchen knife and gets ready to slit Aron’s throat by holding the knife about six inches away from his neck.

We cut quickly away to the knife, which is covered in far more blood than would actually be possible, under the circumstances, and where Aron is conspicuously missing…

And then back to Aron, who has a great deal of blood around the “wound”, but no spurting jugular…and the man who just slit his throat is now gone.

After a moment, he falls over and dramatically dies. Big Ears looks down at him, holding the blood-covered knife he dropped a few seconds before. “We eliminated,” he says, and then, after a long, dramatic pause, concludes “our problem.”

They drape a sheet over Aron’s body and leave it there…instead of disposing it… y’know, since it’s evidence of a homicide. Moments later, Maraud and Amber walk up, because they just happened to be hanging around. Big Ears picks up the sheet, and Amber screams. It’s a very long, fake, and unconvincing scream. Maraud yells at her for being concerned over “this piece of garbage”, and pulls a gun out of his waistband and pumps a round into Aron’s corpse [!]. Amber screams again, and Maraud looks at her with a hilarious expression of complete disgust.

Amber yells “He was so young!” and “What’s his family going to think?” which are pretty odd things to say considering she’s his girlfriend. You’d think she’d be horrified that her boyfriend was just brutally murdered, rather than horrified he died at such a young age. Anyway, Amber throws up.

It’s not very realistic. We cut make to Maraud looking disgusted for a second, and then back to Amber puking some more. It’s a little hard to not notice that this is the exact same shot as before, from five seconds ago. Also, Maraud’s gun has mysteriously made its way back into his waistband.

Later that day, the entire gang is there, including the Politician, Executive, and Lawyer. Maraud comes out and announces they have a rat in their group who’s an undercover cop. After a moment, he points out who the cop is. Realizing the jig is up, the cop, who’s holding a machine-gun, mows them all down.

No, wait. Actually, the cop drops his machine-gun and let the gangsters grab him. Then, when they bring out a chair to tie him to, he helpfully boosts himself into the chair and holds his arms down at his sides to make it easier to tie him up [!!!]. Listen, Breen, I realize these scenes aren’t easy to film, but they are really making it difficult to maintain the suspension of disbelief.

The gang then proceeds to beat the shit out of the undercover cop, throwing punches that stop a foot away from the cop’s body with dubbed sounds of punches landing. Blood spatters hit the faces of the Executive, Lawyer, and Politician, who are horrified at the sight, despite being just thrilled during an earlier scene where a gangster was trying to slit the throat of another gangster. We then get a shot of Eric who says something. I’ve listened to this bit of dialogue perhaps twenty times, and I’m still not sure what he says. I think he says “I like watching”, which is pretty weird.

Turns out Neil is also watching. He watches them use a pair of garden shears to chop off one of the cop’s fingers. Man, Breen really has a thing for severed body parts, doesn’t he?

Neil waves his glowing hand through the air. I can’t help but notice that a moment ago he was standing inside a broken-down house, but now there is nothing but open sky behind him.

Everyone freezes. Or at least, tries to freeze. Neil comes out and heals the cop’s beat-up face. He then lets the cop go, who takes off, and then heads over to Amber, who has apparently been watching everything.

We cut away to the desert and the shot of the six crosses. A moment later we’re back in the city, with six crosses and six people on them. Well. Holding the crosses against their backs, that is.

We get a close-up of the man who knocked Wheels over on his cross. Then a stock footage shot of numbers spinning on Wall Street. Then the Politician, on a cross. Then stock footage of a factory spewing smoke. The a shot of the Lawyer on a cross, and the old shot of a man pushing a stack of money towards the camera. Maraud is now on a cross, although he’s wearing a suit now. We see the shot of the knife in the desert covered with cherry pie filling, again, a random shot of Neil doing his glowy hand-wave, the shot of blood spattering on the desert floor, again, and finally Neil holds up a cross. His hands are covered in blood. You know, I’m sure all this is chock-full of symbolism, but if I don’t get any of it, it’s completely useless.

We get a shot of the Politician on the cross again, but now he’s bleeding out of an eye. Neil’s voiceover explains that he’s eliminated the corrupt politicians and lawyers. Wait. Are you saying there is only one corrupt politician and lawyer in the entire world? Sweet!

We get ANOTHER shot of the man pushing a stack of money across the table at the camera. Then Maraud is on the cross, while Neil explains that he’s eliminated the greedy corporate leaders. Uh…he was a gangster.

We get the stock footage of Wall Street again, the Executive on the cross, blood spattering in the desert again, the Lawyer on a cross, stock footage of the factory billowing smoke (again), while Neil explains that he’s eliminated the people who pollute the planet’s natural resources. Uh…no you haven’t, Neil. Unless we’re supposed to believe that he’s killed every single person who drives a car while he’s off-screen.

Neil walks in front of the people on crosses in the city, and then we cut to empty crosses in the desert, but with bloody marks on them. I’m completely lost at this point. I don’t know what the fuck is going on. I have a feeling that Neil realized his movie had no climax, so he randomly begin throwing bit of stock footage and unused random pieces of footage together with some voiceover narration to try and pretend a lot more happened during this movie than actually did.

Neil talks about how he’s going to eliminate everyone the humans can’t, unless the humans start learning about sustainable energy. I guess that’s a good goal to have. Go green, or die!

We go back to Neil and Amber in the city. He tells her to go and make something out of her life because she has so much to give. Amber hugs him and slowly slides down to her knees [!] still hugging him [!!!]. Although, considering her career, I assume that’s a position she’s pretty used to.

After a couple moments, Neil pulls her back up and they hug. Then we’re back in the desert, and Neil wakes up in the bed of the truck. He crawls, falls to the ground, and looks off dramatically into the distance. He wonders why the humans haven’t done more with what they have, and ends by telling humanity to respect themselves and to live in peace. Again, Neil…I think your words might have more effect if you were talking to, y’know, actual people, instead of an empty desert. I know that this is just a way for you to slap the audience across the head with a thick, salmon-like Moral, but you need to have a convincing reason for this Moral to appear in your movie as well.

Neil strips off the shirt and pants and dons his white robe again, leaving the pants next to the unconscious couple in the desert. He waves his glowing hand and the couple wakes up. Neil tells them to go and make something out of their lives. The couple grab their clothes, run to the truck, and take off. A couple beer-bottles fall off the tail end of truck, which doesn’t really make sense, continuity-wise.

Then we get some shots of Neil walking back to where he came from, which we can tell because he’s walking from screen left to screen right this time. He heals a rose that he walks past, which, oddly enough, is identical to the rose used earlier in the film. We get a half-dozen shots of people hanging on crosses in identical shots used earlier with the exact same long shot of Neil walking across the desert. Neil walks past the doll heads. Nothing happens. There are interspersed long shots of Neil walking, close-ups of Neil walking, close-ups of Neil’s legs and face, and finally we get back to the skid mark left by the globe when it landed. The exact same slow pan to the left shots are used from the beginning of the movie.

Suddenly Amber shows up. We realize that it’s hear by her gasping breaths and her shouting “Wait for me!”, even though we only see the empty desert and then the skull and fake spider shot from before. Neil begins rambling about taking care of the planet. We get more stock footage of dolphins, although when I say “more” I mean “the exact same stock footage we saw earlier”. You know, I love dolphins. Who doesn’t love dolphins, they’re wonderful. Although, male dolphins do rape female dolphins. I’m dead serious. Dolphins rape each other. Look it up.

Amber stumbles through the desert while Neil changes back and forth between his human and alien shape. Amber begs Neil to wait for her. Neil reaches out his hand and Amber reaches out, but their hands stop about an inch apart. It’s very dramatic, but I have no idea what the fuck it means. Nothing is restraining them. Why don’t they step forward and take hands?

We cut back to their “sex” scene where nothing happened. I have to say, there’s nothing quite like watching footage I’ve already seen, except spliced together in a way that makes even less sense than the first time.

There is a tiny bit of new footage here, which serves as a dramatic visual reminder that the alien’s wig is very, very fake.

Neil rambles to some more stock footage we’ve already seen, of solar panels, wind turbines, and dolphins. Eventually he decides to give the humans one last chance, but if they fail, he’s going to destroy the entire planet. He adds that he’ll come back soon to see how humans are doing, and hopefully we’ve learned our lesson from our mistakes. Um. Dude. You killed what, eight people who live in Las Vegas? Sorry, buddy. That’s not enough to teach humankind any kind of lesson.

Neil’s feet lift off the ground, and the comet takes off from earth, in what is very obviously the same shot as the comet landing, just played in reverse. We get some generic stock footage of a star field, which then fades to black, and the credits roll. And that’s it. The entire film.

To purchase Neil’s film, visit his website here.

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