Gloria Tesch: Celebrity


As GTesch has matured we’ve actually seen some….well, maturity. Sort of. Yeah, there was the passive-aggressive insertion of swankivy into an impressively shitty music video, but Team Tesch seems to have moved on from putting their books on the bestseller shelf at local bookstores, paying people to pose as fans, and creating fake news segments, and now mostly works at trying to extract money from investors through disastrous IndieGogo fundraisers.

And yet….somehow…despite her busy career as an actress/screenwriter/director/producer on her film, and not writing or publishing the final book in the Maradonia Saga even though all her promotional material says it’s been published, and let’s not forget her budding career as a music video cover artist or as a model…Gloria Tesch still finds the time for some self-promotion.

So let’s take this website. The title is “Upcoming Celebrity”. Subtle. It has exactly 1 post on it, and that post is entirely devoted to the awesomeness that is our friend Gloria Tesch.

Let’s examine this, shall we?

“Residents in the Florida area recognize her as the next Stephanie Meyer, or J.K Rowling.”

Citation, please?

“The title, “World’s Youngest Novelist” has been given to her by many in 2008, although there has been much debate about the exact time she has written and published her first novel, Maradonia and the Seven Bridges. Going back to dates and facts about this claim, we can confirm that she carries this title.”

The title “World’s Youngest Novelist” was given to her by herself. Going back to dates and facts, we can confirm that she is unequivocally not the world’s youngest novelist.

“After about forty pages in, she dropped the story, stating that she had a horrible “Writer’s Block”. (Writer’s Block is a common term used by writers to describe the loss of ideas in a story.) “

Really? Who knew?

“At only thirteen, Gloria Tesch was a motivational speaker, inspiring children all over the United States.”

Uh…okay? If this actually happened, I would expect Team Tesch to be milking it for everything it’s worth. How many motivation speeches has she given? Or are you referring to her godawful YouTube videos?

“It’s no wonder that in 2012, Gloria received the title, Valedictorian ’12 of her school, giving a mind blowing speech to hundreds.”

HAHAHAHAHAHHA. Awesome. I have no idea if Gloria Tesch was named Valedictorian of her high school graduating class, nor do I care. But really, Gloria? It was a mind-blowing speech? Was that what CNN was reporting after you finished speaking? Or is that what your parents told you afterwards?

The best part of this is that she’s trying so desperately hard to make it appear as if this is being written by some professional journalist. Hell, the name she chose to publish it under was “NY” which is a plea for legitimacy if I’ve ever seen one. But really, what journalist, or hell, even self-respecting blogger, would give a fuck about someone’s valedictorian speech, much less report it as “mind blowing”?

Gloria Tesch published six novels from the Maradonia Saga (illustrated by artist, Marina Terkulova Tesch).

1.) Maradonia and the Seven Bridges
2.) Maradonia and the Escape from the Underworld
3.) Maradonia and the Gold of Ophir
4.) Maradonia and the Dragon Riders
5.) Maradonia and the Law of Blood
6.) Maradonia and the Battle for the Key
7.) Maradonia and the Lost Secret of Kra

That’s seven novels, not six. And the last two HAVE NOT BEEN FUCKING PUBLISHED. THEY ARE NOT AVAILABLE FOR SALE.

“At eighteen, Gloria still continues writing. She let her Twitter followers know in 2013, that she is working her next series (separate from Maradonia). Not much information has been given on details, but she has stated that it continues the same genre of fiction/fantasy.” 

Awesome. The fun will never end.

“Modeling, photo shoots and professional promotions fill up some of her extra time, if any time. But Gloria stated that parts of the modeling industry is dangerous to a young woman with strong faith in God.” 

Right. For example, when they overly sexualize a 17 year old girl?


Yeah, I can see how that might be a problem.

“On 12-12-12, Gloria directed the opening scene of the Maradonia Saga. She slowly grew into the role of Director/Producer of the film Maradonia and the Seven Bridges.”

That’s not really how it works. You don’t “grow into” the role of directing and producing a film…unless, of course, the previous directors have all quit because they were not being compensated.

Gloria Tesch, ladies and gentlemen. She’s the gift that keeps on giving.


  58 Responses to “Gloria Tesch: Celebrity”

  1. You know what else bothers me?

    They’ve been using, word for word, this same bloody paragraph for YEARS now:

    Gloria Tesch celebrated her thirteenth birthday with the publication of two Novels, “Maradonia and the Seven Bridges” and “Maradonia and the Escape from the Underworld.”
    With the age of fourteen Gloria published two more novels, “Maradonia and the Gold of Ophir” and “Maradonia and the Dragon Riders”.
    With 15 years she presented her fifth novel: “Maradonia and the Law of Blood” and her sixth novel: “Maradonia and the Battle for the Key”.

    I don’t know what it is about it, but every time I get to “with 15 years she presented…” I let out a loud groan. It sounds awkward and it keeps getting reused. Ghaaaaa

  2. Odd, isn’t it, how a professional journalist from New York would copy and paste text from Gloria Tesch’s website directly into his article without citing it?

  3. I’m surprised she didn’t plug her modeling turn at the 2012 Republican National Convention as “in-depth political experience.”

  4. What really makes me sad is how she keeps flitting from one thing to another, all in a desperate attempt to be famous. First it was writing, then modeling, now film making. She’ll try something just long enough to get her feet wet, then realizes that doing whatever it is requires actual effort, and then drops it like a hot potato. She wants all the fame, with none of the work. Gloria – pick something and stick with it. Then you might actually get that fame you want so darn much.

  5. What it sounds like to me is someone who uses English in a non-standard way, possibly because of the influence of other languages. Most of what Gloria writes reads in this “doesn’t quite gel as a natural English sentence” way.

  6. 1. She should probably take note of the fact that Stephenie Meyer spells her name in a non-standard way if she’s going to keep comparing herself to the Twilight author. Also, no, Tampa residents do not recognize her. I have mentioned her in passing to plenty of people and nobody I know has heard of her, and I’ve lived in Tampa for many years. Not to mention that my video made it clear the bookstores don’t even stock her book; when I called eight bookstores and not a single one was even able to order it.

    2. You’d think that with all the experience Team Tesch has with sockpuppeting, they’d learn to do it convincingly. Instead, every account and attempt they make at looking like Gloria Tesch has achieved something has never posted anything else. Kyle Kendrick hosts no other episodes of a show called Celebrity Soup. Reviewers who reviewed her book have reviewed no other books. Yahoo Answers contributors have asked no other questions besides “who’s the youngest novelist??? Oh it’s Gloria Tesch, wow!” And now, Upcoming Celebrity apparently cares about nobody except Gloria Tesch whose main achievement appears to be getting an unusual number of haters for self-published books.

    3. People who suck at writing and don’t read very well don’t understand when they’re making mistakes that give them away. Gloria’s writing is the same everywhere. This is the same voice that was used to write the copy on the indiegogo fundraiser, with the same kinds of mistakes. People who suck at fake journalism also don’t seem to realize that a real news story would not mention that Gloria was valedictorian of her school and that she’d given a mind-blowing speech without a) mentioning the school so people could check and b) mentioning any of the speech’s content. Nobody cares about a speech that impressed people at your graduation. Gloria Tesch is not listed as achieving the status of valedictorian in any public announcement EXCEPT on her own Twitter account and her own materials. Somehow she never mentions where she graduated from or gives information that would let someone call and say “Hey, who was your valedictorian? Do you even do that?” Maybe she was the top pupil in her class for her homeschool program? Because that would be funny.

    4. She’s obsessed with New York. That’s why she put it in there on the blog post to look like it was released by someone legitimate. The book trailer said “moguls” from New York were weighing in with offers. (That would have really offset the need to raise a million dollars on indiegogo, methinks. Because you would not be indie.) Some copy from her site said they’d turned DOWN “an offer from New York.” Some time ago, she tweeted that people “from New York” and LA were gathered to discuss her movie. And now, this dumb blog post. Can someone please tell Gloria Tesch that New York is not an entity or a business? It is a state, and a city. People who make offers are from their companies, not from their cities. (But of course she can’t name companies, because there are no companies offering her anything.) I have six mainstream publishers and a film agent interested in my book right now. If I want to tell someone about it I tell them what companies they are, not “New York is interested.”

    5. The commas, double-quotes around book titles, awkward phrasing, and on-level middle school English attempts at writing make it very clear that if she was ever valedictorian of anything, it was a program with zero standards. I’m a professional editor and I will proofread for money, but sometimes I reject paying clients if their work isn’t polished enough–meaning if I were to correct their errors but would essentially have to rewrite their entire book to make it publishable, I won’t bother wasting their money or my time. I would immediately reject the work of anyone who wrote this copy. It’s amateurish, awkward, terrifyingly overwritten, and ultimately it fails MISERABLY in its attempt to make me interested in the subject matter because it is nothing but a puff piece dribbling out of a clearly inflated ego. People who don’t have language skills can’t fool people who do into thinking they are professional journalists.

    6. It’s gross that she’s trying to claim authorship of “today a reader, tomorrow a leader.” A quick Google search shows that phrase being coined by 1926, possibly earlier, in motivational posters for libraries and whatnot. I bet she actually thinks she thought of it, though. Even though it’s clear she lifts ideas and phrases from things she likes all the time.

  7. You’d think that with all the experience Team Tesch has with sockpuppeting, they’d learn to do it convincingly. […] People who suck at writing and don’t read very well don’t understand when they’re making mistakes that give them away. Gloria’s writing is the same everywhere.

    Sad thing is, these are two things Robert Stanek fails colossally at, and he’s still somehow better at both than Team Tesch. Sockpuppeters eventually run out of steam, and what remains behind them is not a pretty sight, because people start noticing problems. People without a grip of good literature generally fail to produce anything that resembles good literature, while under delusion they’re doing something awesome.

    And it’s also kind of sad that Team Tesch doesn’t even get results with the sockpuppeting. The attempts are certainly more lavish, if you can call it that – hired actors and terrible CGI and all that rot. But Stanek has become an actual “household name” in that there’s documented proof that plenty of people have bought his books and felt a little bit suckered as a result. Tesch doesn’t have that kind of results. And all Stanek needed was his knowledge of computers, a bucketful of coffee and another bucketful of sheer crazy.

  8. That sentence would be, for example, perfectly fine in German – it isn’t used all the time, but you see it ’round here.

    Yeah, the rest… Don’t think so. Honestly this is a sad, sad text. Suddenly, werewolves!

  9. Russian, for example, is very forgiving when it comes to word order, but not so much English.

  10. Well, she certainly does enough “presenting” in that music video! She’s presenting like a mandrill! Ugh.

  11. As far as I can tell, most of what she writes would sound strange in German as well. Same for her random capitalization.

  12. 1. At least it’s a nice example of what’s important for her. It’s not the characters, not the plot, the writing, nothing of that. Twilight and Harry Potter are too different in those things. It’s the fame. Both, Twilight and Harry Potter, have sold rather well. That is what they have in common and that is what matters to her.

    If bookstores know her now, it’s your fault, Ivy! “Who? Ah! That girl who called the other day mentioned someone with that name…” 😉

    It makes me sad to imagine Gloria sitting in front of her computer, typing all those things about herself, dreaming that one day, one day others will write those things about her.

    To be fair, most celebreties have archieved less than Gloria and her ego fits the part.

    I wonder, is that: “Modeling, photo shoots and professional promotions fill up some of her extra time, if any time. But Gloria stated that parts of the modeling industry is dangerous to a young woman with strong faith in God.”

    an American thing? Like, you cannot mention something conservative people could view as… uhm… dirty? Without mentioning that you love Jesus or believe in God with all your heart?

  13. Definitely. I was, however, referring especially to that “with 15 years…” nonsense 😉

    [Ich meine, in irgendwelchen Artikeln steht doch dauernd so was wie “Mit 16 [Jahren] hat sie bereits den großen Preis des Schuhebindens gewonnen.” oder so ähnlich. Zumindest der Satz klingt, als hätte irgendwer ihn kurz durch Google translate gejagt.]

  14. Gah – can’t edit as guest, so – sorry for not clarifying earlier which sentence I was talking about -.-

  15. Yeah, you’re right–it’s about being famous for her. As I’ve read applied to Paolini as well, she doesn’t want to write; she wants to Have Written.

    And she’s trying to have her cake and eat it too with the modeling thing, I think–it’s something she can reasonably do, because you don’t actually have to be creative or well-spoken to do it and she’s a pretty girl, and it has its own prestige. BUT since there are also downfalls to being a model–people will assume you’re “a slut,” people will accuse you of having loose morals, people will assume that you’re not very smart, none of which is really true for models–she has to put a disclaimer up about how she’s a model but not THAT kind of model, no no, not HER. So . . . basically, she wants the “celebrity” aspect of it that goes with “wow, all these people want to take my picture!” but she doesn’t want people to attach the usual perceptions of modeling to her.

    She definitely eats up the attention she gets for being scantily clad at the drop of a hat, though, don’t let her fool you. Not only did she deliberately create “bikini” scenes for her Maradonia movie and her music videos just so she could have that excuse to appear in her bathing suit, but on the music video she deletes critical comments ASAP but LEAVES really disgusting sexually explicit comments by people saying what they want to do to her sexually. Those stay. Comments mentioning me in a positive light or saying the video sucks get deleted.

    And yes, you’ve got it kind of right with regards to Americans and Christianity. Probably a lot of the people who support her in real life are from her church. She does not want to give the wrong impression to those sweet people who have praised her books or given her money for the indiegogo campaign (and of course told her how unique and talented she is for writing horrible books at such a young age). But I’m sure they’re less than pleased with Gloria’s photo shoots. She’s probably been asked whether this is really such a good idea, because no matter what you say about how you’re not taking modeling seriously as a career due to its danger to your Christian faith, you’re still letting yourself be photographed wet, with your legs spread, sitting in the sand, in a bikini. That is not incompatible with being Christian, of course. It’s just that many more conservative people will judge you within your own community if you are happily making money by posing in such a way that your photos are designed to inspire lust.

    It’s a poorly conceived “excuse,” incidentally, because people who aren’t sympathetic to Christian perspectives will find this pandering obnoxious, and people who ARE following Christian principles are generally still going to be put off by this. Especially considering the hateriffic lyrics in her rap videos and the not-really-masked curse words she’s saying. You don’t say “Don’t worry, everyone, I’m a very modest young lady” and then try to take credit for “producing” music videos wherein you walk up stairs in a skirt with the camera positioned so it will be looking at your butt.

  16. Yeah, Gloria kinda flounces between “I’m a modest young lady who writes wholesome books with Biblical themes” and “I’m a bad girrrrl lololo #ck you haterz”.

  17. “At only thirteen, Gloria Tesch was a motivational speaker, inspiring children all over the United States.”
    That one?

    Is it just me or are the commas misplaced?

    (“Mit 16 [Jahren] hat sie bereits den großen Preis des Schuhebindens gewonnen.”
    “Hatte”, würde ich sagen. In dem Fall wäre es auch eher “war”. Man könnte es so umstellen, dass es Sinn macht. “Mit gerade mal fünfzehn war sie bereits Schuhebinderin und inspirierte Schuhliebhaber auf der ganzen Welt.” Und selbst dann klingt das irgendwie nicht richtig, oder? Abgesehen davon, dass das da ja nicht so steht.)

  18. I’m not even sure anymore :/ I’m all for the second comma, but the first one seems strange.. Than again, I’m for commas, after, every, word. Switching, from, German, to, English, it, feels, sometimes like that, doesn’t it?^^

    [Huh. Keine Ahnung woran das jetzt liegt, aber auf das erste Lesen sieht “hatte” für mich irgendwie falscher aus als “hat”. Vermutlich dialektbedingt.. Schwäbisch kann so bösartig sein.^^
    Oh. Ja, das klingt besser. Aber’s geht mir wie dir – irgendwas wirft mich immer noch ausm Boot… Es steht nicht so da, aber irgendwie ist es toll völlig random Übersetzungsdebatten zu haben <3.]

  19. I am enjoying this conversation as much as I am the article.

  20. I’m the same age as Tesch and what bothers me most about her is she’s doing basically what every other teenager does but expects some sort praise for it. I mean, I wrote a novel when I was twelve or so, but my parents didn’t go off and vanity publish.

    Also, most people flit between things. I know quite a few people who are involved in multiple ‘creative’ endeavors all around her age. I also do this but I wouldn’t make a website that proclaims me as “a young writer, singer, musician and photographer.” The flitting thing is just a way to find out what your passionate about, not what will make you famous.

    On a side note, she’s basically old by model standards. I only know this because a few years ago I was thinking of trying to get an agent and possibly make some cash for college but then I actually researched what the job actually entailed behind the scenes and “noped” away from that idea pretty quickly.

    For her modelling (or posing since she’s not exactly promoting a product) she must hire a photographer or, more likely, just has a friend do it. (Seriously, there is not one image in there that could pass as professional. They’re all either poorly exposed, off composition-wise or heavy handedly photoshopped. Like, everyone critiques her writing but I want to find out who was a handed a camera and then berate them)

  21. At least some of the photos were taken by her mom, does that mean something? =S

  22. I hope it wasn’t the bikini ones… That’d be weird.

  23. Considering that mom’s facebook has photos of her daughter in lingerie, I wouldn’t be surprised…

  24. That was rhetorical.

    German uses more commas. (Or at least it feels that way.)

    (“Mit 16 [Jahren] hat/hatte sie bereits den großen Preis des Schuhebindens gewonnen.”

    Ok, schauen wir uns das mal an. Ich sehe das so:

    Sie ist jetzt nicht mehr 16. Wir reden also von einem Punkt in der Vergangenheit, als sie 16 war. Der Rest des Textes wäre im Prät.. An diesem Punkt, als sie sechzehn war, “hatte” sie diesen Preis schon gewonnen. Plusquamperfekt.

    “Hat” wäre Perfekt. Sind wir in der Gegenwart und schauen zurück, nimmt man das Perfekt, wenn man zeigen will, dass etwas noch Auswirkungen hat. “Matilda hat gekocht.” (Und mir ist immernoch schlecht.)

    Ich bin für “hatte”.

    Dialekte zählen nicht als Ausrede! Ich bin aus Bayern 😛

    Es ist ja nicht mal mehr eine Übersetzungsdebatte. Yey! Grammatik!)

  25. Why would it be weird?

  26. She may have (poorly) spoken some Russian at the beginning of her ‘music’ video, but she clearly doesn’t understand it. No one deleted the comment calling her a bitch in Russian.

  27. The Christian thing could very well be a matter of appearance to her rather than legitimate faith. There are a lot of people who treat religion more as something that makes them look good. They go around and preach Christian values, they go to church, they talk about how much they love God, lament at America “losing faith”, and they wear cross necklaces… But then they turn around and behave in ways that go against the conservative Christian rhetoric they claim to follow.

  28. Ok, she’s almost 19, isn’t she? Can we start hating on her now? Cus up till now, I was willing to put the blame on her family, but serioulsy woman, you’re getting too old to just believe all the shit they tell you…

  29. “After about forty pages in, she dropped the story, stating that she had a horrible “Writer’s Block”. (Writer’s Block is a common term used by writers to describe the loss of ideas in a story.) “

    It just randomly stuck me that Tesch is pretty proud of her writer’s blocks.

    Most writers would probably tell you “well, I can’t think of anything cool and I’m just producing bullshit. This sucks, hope tomorrow is a better day”. It’s an occupational hazard that’s generally not something you’re too proud of if it happens, but it’s important to know that it does happen to the best of us and is not, in itself, that damning.

    Tesch’s ramblings on the topic, on the other hand, always come across as “I can’t think of anything cool right now. Oh my God, I have this thing called ‘writer’s block’! I’m a real author now! Several real authors have had legendary writer’s blocks! I’d better go telling everyone how I’m a real author because I can’t write.”

  30. I love how Team Tesch threatened to sue Ivy for using Gloria’s promotional pictures in her video, but Team Tesch has no problem usiing Ivy’s image for their music video. Hypocrite much?

  31. She should leak a sex video and get a reality show and lucrative fashion work like Kim K

  32. Yeah, I agree that it very much looks like she just wants to be famous. On one of her websites, she compares herself to Stephen King, JK Rowling, and Stephanie Meyer. Those authors have NOTHING in common except for the fact that they’re very famous authors.

    The modelling thing could be another attempt at being famous, but maybe she says she doesn’t take it as seriously as writing because being a successful model doesn’t have the same level of prestige as being a successful author. Modelling is viewed as something that doesn’t take a lot of skill. It’s a job that you can’t really do for a very long time because looks will fade. The average person judges a model on how she looks, not how she performs. Even if a model gets popular to the point where she reaches or almost reaches “household name” status, that popularity goes quickly. Again, the business is very appearance-based and as a model gets older, it’s harder to compete with all the younger ones who keep coming in.

    But the fame of a successful author lasts much longer. Even when the book is merely a fad rather than anything long-term, the author will still probably be popular longer than the model will be. What’s more is that people have more respect for the author, even if the book is shallow and/or stupid. When a model becomes popular with the average people, usually they just like her for her looks, they don’t care about anything else. They don’t really respect her, she’s just eye candy to them. But the author is a creative person who (seemingly) puts a lot more work into what she does. The author is brilliant, and few people think it’s easy to write a book.

  33. Honestly I think you’re giving her too much credit here. I don’t think she’s avoiding running with the modeling thing just because it’d be a comparatively fleeting career. After all, this is the girl who tried to build a buzz on “world’s youngest novelist” when she was already too old to claim that title when she STARTED writing. She’s STILL trying to get recognition for being the youngest person doing it when she wasn’t then and certainly isn’t now. I don’t think she has the perspective and forward-thinking ability to make any life choices based on sustainability.

    I think she’s doing modeling because she can and it’s something she fell into based on the hobnobbing, elbow-rubbing, social-climbing environment she and her family live in. She literally does not have to do anything but pose how they tell her and continue to have a body (though obviously there is some work that goes into keeping one’s body in a certain state for a modeling ideal). But because of the focus she’s built on “wow this girl does it ALL!” she is trying to make it seem like she is this multifaceted celebrity whose nice pictures aren’t all she can achieve.

    I think you’re right that she doesn’t want to embrace modeling as her primary objective partially because it’s perceived as something you don’t need skill to do (though if she wants to be accomplished at something that requires skill, she needs to, you know, practice the skill, but that’s a bummer). But I think it’s also partly because modeling is highly sexualized and most of the people who think little Gloria is so precocious and talented would turn on her if they thought she was “that kind of girl.” (She wouldn’t have devoted a whole paragraph in her bogus “Celebrity Buzzing” article to downplaying the importance of her modeling and playing up her very strong Godliness if this wasn’t an image she wanted to keep in the forefront.)

    I think the biggest problem for Gloria is she’s been told what to do all her life and now she’s getting conflicting advice–people who see her in front of the camera tell her stuff like “oh, it will be totally stunning if you walk up these stairs and I’ll film you from behind but we’ll stop just short of showing your underwear–YOU’RE SO HOT GLORIA” and she eats it up and invents multiple reasons to appear in a bikini in her other work. But then other people tell her her filmmaking and writing are more important because they’re creative and she has to listen to them too.

    I think she’s probably very confused right now. Especially since if she was actually good at anything she’d have been picked up by now through one of the many channels she’s tried. But I’m certain everything she’s attempted as far as legitimate circles (such as going to big book conventions and discussing film opportunities with people who know what they’re doing) has resulted in slammed doors, and her family is very good at telling her that if that happens, the door-slammers are just jealous, don’t know what’s good, can’t see the glory that is her vision, or will be sorry for rejecting her in a few years. No one ever suggests her production might be crap.

  34. Maybe I should be honored. LOL.

  35. Hm, maybe. It’s still a little hard for me to be OVERLY harsh on the books because she was 13 when she wrote them. Granted, the books are still poorly written even by those standards (maybe English isn’t her first language?) but still. At the same time, I do kind of want to criticize her now for thinking the books she wrote are of good quality. She’s either deluding herself, refuses to admit she was ever wrong about saying she was a good writer, or she legitimately doesn’t know how to tell good books apart from bad ones.

    The rest of her behavior is definitely deserving of criticism. I’m sorry, but the whole “I’m better than everyone else, I’m gonna be famous so get out of my way, haterz!” attitude, most people grow out of that near the end of middle school. She’s an adult, and at this point if she does want to succeed in a creative field, she NEEDS to learn to take criticism. Nothing you write will be perfect, especially on the first draft. Sometimes when you’re trying to create a story, and you’re proofreading and editing, there will be problems on the story that you won’t notice. You NEED other perspectives. That’s not to say you need to accept every piece of criticism as right. But if you want to argue with the critic, you need some legitimate reasons as to why their advice doesn’t work for your story.

  36. You were on a GLORIA TESCH rap video?! That’s it, I want your autograph!

  37. I’ve said this before, but what I love most about it is that Gloria had to sit down with whoever put this video together for her and say “Listen, there’s this one bitch that I hate on the Internet. She made a video that totally said I was lying about things and exposed all this stuff I did and made me look ridiculous. She’s mean and I hate her. So I need you to steal her face out of her video and put it in my video with an insult superimposed on it. That will TOTALLY be a ‘so there’ moment for me and will be proof of how superior I am.”

  38. Eh, I kind of doubt the sexualization is a main reason she’s not focusing on modelling, considering her little rap video. Of course, massive hypocrites do exist, so it’s hard to say.

    I agree that she may be dealing with confusion. After all, people our age (she’s about the same age as me, heh heh) tend to jump around from hobby to hobby, interest to interest. But maybe those years of being a “published author” have kind of messed with the normal flow. As I said, it’s normal for kids to constantly change interests, but most of the time, they won’t get ridiculous amounts of support from their parents. I wrote stories when I was younger but my parents never tried to get them published, shoot, the topic never even came up. The only time my parents tried to push me into a hobby I tried out was when I got fourth place in a big photo contest (I think like, a thousand people entered so I can’t really blame them) and they decided I had potential. (and because of their insistence, I later won a few more photo contests, ha, so I guess they were right)

    So, it is possible that she might be continuing a lot of this out of obligation rather than legitimately caring. I mean, she hasn’t released any books since her Maradonia series, and judging by her standards of quality she’s probably not the type to slave over a novel for years, trying to make it absolutely perfect. Her parents did a lot to support her and self-publish her books, and for years she and her family made such a big deal about what a great author she was. Dropping out of writing could be seen as admitting she was never a very good author, or admitting that she’s no longer passionate about something that was supposedly so great about her. Maybe she wants to focus on the movie in an attempt to get into something new without letting go of her previous “legacy”.

    But, this is all just speculation. Who really knows?

  39. I imagine she just asked them to put your picture in without giving much of an explanation why, leaving the video editor confused as to why this random chick in from a 480p YouTube video has gotten Tesch’s attention enough to acknowledge her in the rap video.

  40. The thing is, she doesn’t seem to be linking her rap videos to her other stuff. She’s “Goldilocks” (doing it under another name) and even though it’s come up here and there on her Twitter, she doesn’t seem to be linking/naming names when it comes to her sites or blogs, and the rap videos aren’t on her main channel. (Unless she put them there when I wasn’t paying attention, which is possible since I’m not really paying that much attention to her.) I know she enjoys having her looks complimented, since she’ll delete criticism of the videos or any comments that mention me, but she’ll mysteriously not delete the ones that say vulgar things (along the lines of “mmmm I’d f*** the s*** out of THAT”). The only thing I can think of is that the people who support her from the “OMG she is such a pristine and upstanding precocious young lady!” camp don’t end up seeing the other things she’s doing, and I think that’s on purpose.

    I wrote crap novels as a kid too. Later they became better novels. I’m glad my parents didn’t self-publish me, because now I’m on submission to the largest publishers in the world for my fantasy series and I actually have a shot at getting the dream, while she’s just . . . dreaming about it and pretending it’s all been realized.

  41. Oh, I doubt she gave them a big explanation. But I’m just saying, she had to have that conversation with someone. About how she needed a clip of my video to insult. Likely it was more like “this girl’s one of my haters, let’s use her face.” But I just love that this is proof that she saw my criticism and that it irritated her enough to try (in a hilarious way, but still, she tried) to insult me back. Taking criticism and using it to improve should really be what mature people do when they want to grow as artists, but instead she chose to immortalize her childishness. And unlike being “the world’s youngest novelist,” being a child and acting like it is NOT a good thing here.

  42. Heh, yeah. To include you in the video along with the insult, she had to have been fairly upset by what you said. Especially since your video exposed her crap to a lot of people who previously never knew about her, and now view her as some crazy egotistical girl obsessed with being famous.

    And I do agree, all of this is quite immature of her, especially since she aspires to be a famous author loved by all. If you want to succeed, be a big name, in any creative field, you NEED to take criticism. Nothing you write will be perfect, even after your edit and proofread. Other people might notice problems in the story that you overlooked. That’s not to say you need to make every change that the critics suggest. But if you want to say that the critic is wrong, you need a legitimate reason as to why that critic is wrong. If somebody criticizes her poor grammar, spelling, editing and formatting, saying it’s because they’re jealous is stupid, considering that most of these people don’t personally know her and no one has any reason to be jealous of her.

  43. Thing is, I haven’t even read her books. And I haven’t criticized the content or the writing (though I did see an excerpt and it was terrible). My criticism hasn’t focused on her work at all. It’s been dedicated to pointing out how she’s spreading misinformation about how this industry works. I mean, if you pose people in a line pretending they’re fans of your book waiting for your autograph and out-and-out claim that no one can find the books in bookstores because they’re always sold out, I think I make my point pretty well if I call all the bookstores around the area (I live in the same city as she does!) and nobody there can even order the book. Fact: If a book is popular and its popularity creates scarcity, the publisher prints more if there’s such a demand. The reason bookstores don’t have it is precisely the OPPOSITE of the reason she’s claiming: She can’t get bookstores to carry it at all. Ugh, you don’t just go around telling everyone you’re so obscure because you’re so famous. It’s like claiming everyone who slaps you did it because they love you so much they’ll do anything to touch your skin.

  44. I would have to agree. Normally I wouldn’t give a crap about any of this. There are plenty of lousy published and self-published authors who think they’re the shit, but Tesch kind of bothers me because she spreads misinformation. What’s more, the story she spreads around suggests that any kid with an interest in writing should do the same thing she did. By saying the books she “published” at 13 made her super famous, she’s basically saying that it’s a good idea to publish the first book you write, to publish everything you write.

  45. I dislike Paolini as well, but you have to admit, compared to Maradonia, the Inheritance Cycle is a masterpiece. And I think Paolini isn’t as sad as Teach, are there any photos of him putting Eragon or Eldest, on the bookshelf of the local bookstore and pretending they’re bestsellers?

  46. Oh, of course, I’m not at all reluctant to admit that Paolini is much better at writing than Tesch is. He’s better than she is at pretty much everything, and he at least has some reason to believe he’s celebrated and beloved–because he Actually Has Fans (lots of them). He doesn’t have to sell books from a table or write fake articles pretending there’s a buzz about him or try to get attention with other non-writing ventures, because he is actually a famous bestselling writer despite the flaws in his series. Paolini did begin as a self-published teen author who did what she’s doing (book signings at local venues), but his books had a real (if hackneyed) plot, sentences (over)constructed by someone who understands grammar, and coherent action, so when he was accidentally found by author Carl Hiaasen during a family trip and Hiaasen made his son read the book, he got a back door into publishing (since Hiaasen, without reading the book himself, recommended it to his editor on his stepson’s recommendation). If that had happened for Gloria, it could have hit an editor’s desk only to get laughed at and rejected, because they do have standards.

  47. She seems to be hanging onto the modeling thing, for now, anyway. She is pretty and does have some nice pictures, (I don’t know if she’s gotten any actual modeling jobs or if she’s only done personal photoshoots so far) but it’s a REALLY competitive (not to mention demanding) field so one can’t really say if she has a shot at the big time with it.

  48. Fair enough. It’s pretty hard to say anything anyway. Her Facebook page where she pimps her book also has a lot of photos of herself, many of which are pretty sexualized so I can’t imagine she’s trying TOO hard to hide it. But then she has that blog post where she says Jersey Shore should be banned, not to mention a Facebook post where she complains about high schoolers just being obsessed with stupid stuff while she’s written a book and getting ready to make a movie.

    But I definitely agree with your last paragraph. It very much feels like she doesn’t care about knowing whether or not she’s written a legitimately good book, just that she wants to be famous for writing. Since she hasn’t released any books in a while (she doesn’t seem like the type to slave over a novel for years until she deems it perfect for public release) I do question whether or not she still has much of a dedication to writing. Maybe she did when she wrote Maradonia, (hell, a 13-year old who doesn’t like to write isn’t going to type out a novel, even if they’re just doing it to get famous) but then when the possibility of getting famous was put into her head she decided to focus on that. That’s what it feels like, anyway.

  49. Paolini being better than Tesch is like saying that a lobotomy is better than an amputation. Either way either isn’t that pleasent of an option

  50. From the sporkings I read, Tesch’s books hit a whole new level of “bad.” Like a tenth circle of hell bad. Her prose is … well she doesn’t even have a prose. Her writing is awkward, especially the speaking.
    It surprises me to no end that her parents didn’t even try to correct her grammatical errors. They should’ve been able to point out, edit, and correct the text (unless they have never taken Grammar class, which would explain a lot.) although, to be fair, if they did, they would have to rewrite the whole book.

  51. About her parents; not necessarily. Neither of her parents speak English as a native language. Her mom is (I think) Russian and her father is German-born. I doubt either of them speak English fluently enough to be able to give her any advice at all about grammar. The writing itself, the way sentences are structured, do indicate a rocky foundation with English. It actually reads as if speaking to someone who speaks English as a second language. Which is a legitimate excuse for not having the best grasp of the language when one takes into consideration that once she started writing the Maradonia books (and in the most crucial years of a person’s development) her parents yanked her out of the educational system to work on them. Between the ages of something like eleven to fifteen. she was home-schooled by two people who have no authority on literature or even English and instructed to crank out novels.
    While I will say that she is a legal adult now and she should know better, I’m not going to deny that her parents did a number on her developmental process. They pampered her, under-educated her and ruined her future prospects with too much praise and too little criticism.
    I actually sat down several months ago and red-inked her entire prologue. By the time I’d finished making notes and corrections, it was well over 30 pages long. I posted it on her Facebook page and it was taken down almost instantly. Unlike Swankivy, I’m not a professional publisher. But I do have experience in it as I’m the president of my college literary journal and our faculty adviser was a publisher in Boston for years before she started teaching. So I have a little experience and to be honest, I do feel for the kid a bit.
    I mean, whatever narcissistic, egocentric bullshit she’s shrouded herself in she came by in the spirit of true family dysfunction. I honestly believe she doesn’t know any better. She should, but how could she possibly have the opportunity to take the criticism when, every time she comes across a negative review, there is a whole family unit there clamoring about how we’re all just haters and jealous and what a brilliant little snowflake she is?
    Poor damn kid will probably not figure it out until it’s far too late.

  52. I hate to sound racist, but both her and Stanek are Slavic. Stanek pretty much proudly states it in an “interview,” and Tesch’s mother is a Russian. Come on Slavs, pull it together!

  53. Wait…she has a rap video?! Please, for the love of god, somebody link me!!! I must see this.

  54. I just checked her FB and… she’s also trying painting. With results about as good as her books. She either doesn’t care and just wants to be considered talented and famous, or she wants to be considered a rennaissance prodigy.

  55. It’s definitely publicity. Not even a guess, literally definite. She says in the video you got a cameo in that she’s just trying to be successful. Not, you know, be a good writer/painter/model/thing.

  56. You know, I bet if Tesch put as much effort into evaluating and improving her writing as she and her family did trying to pass herself off as a celebrity and the “world’s youngest author,” her books wouldn’t have Sporkings.

    Just a random thought.

  57. In the John Hughes movie of life, Gloria Tesch and her (presumably) equally evangelical ilk are the preppy antagonists; they can flaunt the rules all they want.

  58. Hey if she sucked my dick I’d give her all the accolades she wants.