Part 2: Raging Female Hormones

Chapter Two

Part of me doesn’t want to spend this spork pointing out the obvious similarities between this and Twilight, because obviously there are similarities, this is Twilight fanfiction! On the other hand, I think that if someone was going to write fanfiction and then change everything and re-release it as an original novel, they shouldn’t. But, if they did, they should at least make some effort to…I dunno, make it their own?

So I will.

Anastasia stumbles once on her way outside, because, clumsy. She thinks about how no man has ever affected her the way Grey does. Well. Naturally.

As she heads home, she thinks about things, and how attractive and amazingly awesome he is, but then she thinks through the negative qualities. He’s arrogant, and autocratic, and cold. Really, James. Autocratic?

And this might just be me, but I’m actually getting Pride and Prejudice vibes here.

Anastasia is annoyed for a little bit, but eventually she calms down and turns on indie rock music, presumably because that’s the soundtrack to every Twilight movie, and then she hits the accelerator.

As I hit Interstate 5, I realize I can drive as fast as I want (page 18).

If you want a ticket, that is. It’s crawling with cops.

When she gets home, Kate immediately starts asking Anastasia about what happened, which annoys her because it’s an inquisition. Well, to be fair, this interview was supposedly a big deal, I would expect to be quizzed by the roommate who actually sent you on the trip. Anyway, Anastasia complains that Kate didn’t give her a basic bio on Grey.

Kate clamps a hand to her mouth. “Jeez, Ana, I’m sorry – I didn’t think.” (page 19)

Kate is a terrible reporter.

Anastasia gives her the recorder and heads off to her shift at Clayton’s, the hardware store where she works. Later, when she gets home, Kate continues to ask her questions, which make Anastasia nervous.

I realize I’m biting my lip (page 20).


Kate keeps quizzing her, and we learn that Anastasia has never been interested in a man before, which, color me shocked. Anastasia is pissed that she had to ask whether he was gay:

“I was mortified, and he was pissed to be asked, too.” (page 21)

Nobody uses ‘mortified’, James.

We skip ahead and learn that Anastasia’s mother is kind of a flake, which is totally unlike Bella’s mom. Plus, Anastasia’s mother lives in Georgia, while Bella’s mom lives in Florida. Completely different.

She then calls her stepdad, who she considers her dad, who is nothing like Bella Swan’s father, because he watches soccer on TV, instead of baseball, and likes bowling and fishing, whereas Bella’s dad just likes fishing, and he’s not very talkative, which…well, that’s exactly like Bella’s dad. But he’s a carpenter, not a cop, so totally different.

The next day her friend Jose shows up. I’m not sure if Jose is supposed to be Mike or Jacob in this series, or maybe a conglomeration of the two. He’s Anastasia’s friend who wants to fuck her but she considers him a friend.
We discover that Anastasia actually has never had a boyfriend before, or really has anyone that she’s been interested in. Because she’s waiting for True Love. Mr. Right. She’s waiting for her Edward, and by god, she’s going to get him.

While she’s waiting she looks at Jose who is tall, dark, and very muscular, so I guess he’s Jacob.

We cut forward again. She’s working at Clayton’s and is very busy and suddenly…she looks up…and there is Christian Grey.

Heart failure (page 24).

Because he’s really hot.

His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel… or something (page 25).


Anastasia, naturally, is not handling this well. Her mouth has fallen open, her brain has disengaged, her heart is pounding, she’s blushing…essentially everything that happens to young women when the man of their dreams pops around. Although for some reason the same thing never happens to the man when the woman of his dreams is sitting there, because he’s always impossibly cool, collected, and in control.

He’s not merely good-looking – he’s the epitome of male beauty (page 25).

But of course.

He needs some help finding things. First, cable ties. As they go, Anastasia wonders why he is there.

And from a tiny, underused part of my brain – probably concealed at the base of my medulla oblongata near where my subconscious dwells – comes the thought: He’s here to see you. No way! I dismiss it immediately. Why would this beautiful, powerful, urbane man want to see me? (page 26)

I think all of us have had a moment where a thought came to mind and we were reminded that the thought must have come from the medulla oblongata where our subconscious dwells.

Next, Grey wants some masking tape, so they fetch that, and then five yards of rope. Something tells me that Grey may have a rather kinky use for these materials. Anastasia, on the other hand, is far too busy trying not to stare at the perfection before her.

They chat and she explains that she’s into books – mostly classic and British literature. I assume she probably has a thing for Romeo and Juliet, because who doesn’t have a thing for that classic story of true love?

He asks her if she recommends anything else, so she recommends coveralls so he doesn’t ruin his clothing, and at that he points out he could just take his pants off, so she blushes, but then Grey moves the conversation over to the article. Kate, as it happens, wishes that she had some photographs, and Grey says that he’ll be around the next day and he’s totally willing to do a photoshoot. He gives her his card. They’re interrupted by Paul Clayton, who is home from Princeton, and comes up to give Anastasia a hug. It’s awkward. Grey watches them, not particularly pleased that someone is putting their hands on his property. At least, that’s the vibe I’m getting.

Anastasia rings him up, and the total charge is forty-three dollars. Just like all the times you’ve bought shit and the total was exactly on the dollar.
We get some great quotes:

His tongue caresses my name (page 31).

“Oh – and Anastasia, I’m glad Miss Kavanaugh couldn’t do the interview.” He smiles, then strides with renewed purpose out of the store, slinging the plastic bag over his shoulder, leaving me a quivering mass of raging female hormones (page 31).

Okay – I like him. There, I’ve admitted it to myself. I cannot hide from my feelings anymore. I’ve never felt like this before. I find him attractive, very attractive. But it’s a lots cause, I know, and I sigh in bittersweet regret (page 31).

Because it was just a coincidence and of course Grey had no ulterior motives coming here.

Anastasia is ecstatic, of course, because now she gets to arrange a photoshoot and then she gets to ogle him during the photoshoot, which is very romantic.


  9 Responses to “Part 2: Raging Female Hormones”

  1. Wow, this sucks.
    The book, not your spork.

  2. “As I hit Interstate 5, I realize I can drive as fast as I want (page 18).”

    Maybe James thinks the U.S.A. has the autobahn?

  3. I wonder what the masking tape and rope is for!? SUSPENSE!

  4. Why does James feel the need to emphasize to no end just how darn sexy Grey is?
    Seriously, with lines like “He’s not merely good-looking – he’s the epitome of male beauty” I would not be surprised if James turns out to be Homosexual.
    Especially seeing as his description of Ana is so vague in comparison.

  5. Just found out that E.l James is actually a she. Oh well, either way she still has a dirty, dirty mind.

  6. “His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel… or something.”

    It was at this point I laughed, clapped my hands, and settled in for a so-bad-it’s-good read. Unfortunately, the book failed on even this level. My chagrin knew no bounds.

  7. But… I used the word mortified all the time.

  8. james is a girl

  9. jesus and mary, page 26 has to be one of the worst things i read in my entire life, suddenly my mouth just dropped and i just thought
    no, she didn´t