Conjugal Felicity Search Results: A Christmas Special

 

One thing I enjoy doing, from time to time, is browsing through my site’s data collected by Google Analytics. Out of all this data, by far the most interesting is browsing through the keywords – in other words, seeing what phrases people typed into search engines that led them to Conjugal Felicity.

Most of popular results are what you would imagine – the most popular three are “conjugal felicity,” “conjugalfelicity,” and “maradonia sporking,” and various conglomerations or misspellings or variations thereof. Likewise, many results are simply from people interested in Maradonia, Robert Stanek, Latawnya, Natural Harvest, Eragon, or other series. But I’m not here to talk about the normal results. I’m here to tell you about the interesting ones.

It turns out that people are very, very fond of Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy having sex.

  • conjugal felicity torch of love
  • pride and prejudice porn (and dozens of variations)
  • darcy and elizabeth have sex (and dozens of variations)
  • jane austen softcore porn (and many variations)
Of course, not everyone wants to read about just Elizabeth and Darcy:
  • bingley fucks jane
Some people enjoy oddly specific Googling:
  • chapter in mr. darcy takes a wife where elizabeth loses her virginity
Others just really want some red hot Colin Firth in their lives:
  • colin firth ravish
  • colin firth sex fanfiction
I can appreciate that some people are very direct about what they’re interested in:
  • darcy bulge
  • darcy bulge in breeches
  • darcy’s penis
I’m not certain if this individual was trying to find a particular scene they remembered, or were just hoping to get lucky:
  • darcy elizabeth semen
I’m mostly just impressed that they used “fornication”  in a Google search:
  • fornication with mr darcy
  • darcy masturbate pride and prejudice
  • darcy pleasures elizabeth
  • elizabeth and darcy pregnant sex
  • mr darcy orgasm
  • mr darcy takes a wife sex chapters
  • mr darcy takes a wife sex scene
  • mr. darcy rapes elizabeth
Wait, what?
  • pemberly porn fanfic
  • wickham fucks elizabeth bennet
^ She was undoubtedly disappointed.
Of course, not everyone was merely interested in the Elizabeth and Darcy enjoying the horizontal tango. A few, of course, were just looking for porn:
  • elven lesbians
  • take off bikini
  • two girls touching their boobs
  • young woman lying on bed naked spread eagle
  • man holding a sword touching himself

Somewhat specific porn, but porn, nevertheless.

Some were looking for career advice:

  • how to steal stuff from inside cars

Others were looking for medical advice:

  • i have very few sperm
Others may have just had an honest question:
  • is there a worse author than gloria tesch
And others are probably budding serial killers:
  • turkeys strychnine crabs
Robert Stanek’s Googlers, by and large, were pretty typical, although they did display some fascination with feces:
  • robert stanek is full of shit
  • where does robert stanek shit?

However, several of those intrigued by Eragon were interested in a certain scene between Eragon and Oromis featuring a hairless groin:

  • eragon and oromis naked
  • eragon hairless groin
  • eragon homoeroticism
  • eragon with oromis nude
  • eragon wondered what he looked like without his clothes
  • his hairless groin

But, by far the most interesting results were from people googling…things…that led them to Natural Harvest. Some of  these are clearly from people who have already heard of Natural Harvest, and others, I suspect, were just made during a dark time.

  • can you actually make a cum omelette
Sometimes I wonder what would it be like if everyone was suddenly publicly connected to things they searched for through Google. I imagine it would be simultaneously hilarious and really awkward.
  • semen recipe
  • taste of cooked semen
Maybe a chef got really bored one day.
  • “cum creme caramel”
This is both specific and had quotation marks around it, which indicates it was from someone who read Natural Harvest and was so intrigued by the idea of a Cum Creme Caramel that they had to search for it through Google, and slapped some quotation marks around it to improve their search results. I’m not sure what they were hoping to find, but I’d love to ask them.
  • bachelorette party semen
Maybe they were looking for a game to play? A salty, slightly sticky game?
  • can you really use semen in cooking?
I think you mean “why would you use semen in cooking?”
  • preparing food with semen dinner guests
I hope this person is in prison.
  • recipes using semen

I know that there’s a 99.99999% chance that this person read or heard about Natural Harvest, but there’s that 0.00001% chance that they just were curious, and that frightens me.

  • saving cum for cooking
  • saving semen cooking
  • saving semen fetish
Apparently there’s a fetish for saving your semen. Who knew?
  • semen chocolate eclairs
  • serving semen in drinks
I wonder what people would call spiking a drink with semen. Tuggies? Jerkies? Cummies?
Anyway. Now that I’ve appropriately scarred you, have a wonderful rest of your Christmas.

  5 Responses to “Conjugal Felicity Search Results: A Christmas Special”

  1. And AstroJesus bless us every one!

  2. HAHAHA This is great! What pages did those “specific porn” queries lead to, anyway?

  3. I have a feeling that a fellow by name of Christian Weston Chandler was the one who googled most of those semen-related questions.

  4. Oh hahahahaha.

    This made my night.

  5. @Fireshark – a couple led to the I Am Here….Now movie recap, a couple led to Eragon and Eldest reviews.