Part 15: Fierce But Genital

Judah:

Judah and his sister communicate telepathically. Judah says he has to be away for a little while to learn who he is going to be. He reassures Aurora not to worry.

Media:

Things start getting pretty fucking weird. Media bitches about having to “work all this crap out”, which is significantly more complicated that dealing with the normal post-war ramifications. She’s helping Enyo make geographically correct maps to show the newly formed continents. Wait. Continents?

The ground had split apart when the Hell Gates collided with the earth. Can anyone say pangea? (loc. 4149)

Uh…are you referring to Pangaea? Is this story seriously supposed to be providing an explanation for why the supercontinent split up 200 million years ago?

Media talks Enyo into eventually renaming himself Ferdinand Magellan, but to wait until the 1400’s to use the name. Yeah, that’s a big help when you’re 200 million years away from that time.

Volcanoes are erupting from the oceans and the wars have shifted the tectonic plates. I assume these characters know about tectonic plates because they’re from the future and shit, but if that’s the case, then along the same lines, why haven’t they be anticipating everything that has happening? Then again, it’s probably too much to hope for an internally consistent time travel method.

A proclamation was declared that all of the events that had occurred were to be erased from histories and the use of Xanthippe’s friend Jazpare’s time system was implemented (loc. 4153).

Hopefully you don’t want to know why, because no explanation will be forthcoming. Media is sent out to spread false rumors about “Sun Gods and Water Spirits” being responsible, again, for reasons that aren’t clear. Why are these time-travelling douchebags trying to deliberately mislead humanity?

Religion began to prosper, led in part by Xanthippe who found his belief in “God” over whelming to his already slighted blood lust (loc. 4160)

I have no idea what this sentence means.

The All knowing:

Aurora asks Darian to tell her a story about her mother. Aurora’s hair is done up in a French braid which is interesting considering this is 200 million years before France exists, but we are in the POV of the All knowing, or sometimes the All Knowing.

Darian begins a story when Harlow was about twelve years old. It’s a little challenging for him to figure this out because they’re using ‘years’ to calculate time now, which makes sense. Sure, humanity started using the Gregorian calendar of ‘years’ during the 1500s, a full 200 million years later than this story is set. Then again, homo sapiens didn’t fucking exist 200 million years ago, so I probably shouldn’t be quibbling about the calendar.

Anyway, Darian shares a story about picking flowers that has no point. It makes Aurora laugh, though, and Darian puts her to bed.

Meanwhile, something strange became of Harlow who had been lain to rest now nearly a four months ago in the new time system; something strange indeed (loc. 4182).

WHY THE FUCKING FUCK ARE YOU SPOILING YOUR OWN STORY?

Harlow:

Yep, not really dead. She comes to.

My eyes slowly adjusted to room with virtually no light (loc. 4185).

No, you’re buried underground, in a coffin. Virtually has no part in this. There is no light.

Harlow freaks out a bit and feels around, to satisfy herself that she is really in a coffin.

I thought logically. I felt to the side crevices until I found the hinges (loc. 4189).

Hinges are usually on the outside.

I picked out the pins in both of the hasps with my bloody splintered fingertips (loc. 4189).

I don’t think that’s actually possible. I’ve attempted to pick a lock or two in my lifetime, and fingernails, generally speaking, are not strong enough to turn a screw in a hinge. And, if this is a pin that was hammered in, a fingernail is certainly not strong enough to pry it loose.

Eventually Harlow starts punching the coffin door. It’s not clear whether she has successfully picked the hinges or not. But through continued punching, she manages to break through and start digging through the dirt, much like the Bride escaping the coffin in Kill Bill.

She reaches the surface and spends a few minutes reflecting on the past. Finally she gets up and walks towards a castle and busts through the doors. The music and conversation stops and everyone turns around and stares and Darian flips his shit and yells her name and runs over to grab her in a hug and, remarkably, nobody freaks out because they think she’s a ghost. Aurora is happy to see her and then Roswell walks up.

Our gazes met for only a second I sat down my lovely daughter as I wrapped my arms around the one man I had ever truly desired and kissed him with such passion I thought I might explode (loc. 4211).

They give her food and catch Harlow up on recent events, and finally she goes to bed with Roswell. Instead of having sex they “cocoon”, which I assume is an ancient, pre-spoon version of spooning, while Harlow angsts about her past, and wonders why she didn’t just have Jafar’s children.

In the morning Roswell asks if he gave her something – like a small wolf carving – would she consent to marry him. Harlow “stairs” at the ring. No, Breeanna, that is not the right word. Harlow agrees to marry him, though. They decide to get married in August because there’s a lot of flowers blooming in August.

Roswell:

August was here before we knew it. I was being fitted for my tux only three days before the date. It was to be the thirteenth of the month (loc. 4254).

The modern tuxedo had its origins in the 1880s, how did it also exist 200 million years ago?

Harlow:

Walking into the hall where we were to be married, I shuttered with anticipation (loc. 4260).

At times I feel like I’m beating a dead horse with this, but seriously, what the fucking actual fuck, Breeanna? Finding proofreaders is not all that hard, and when it comes to self-publishing, they’re really fucking important. Shuttered =/= shuddered.

There are five more typos in this paragraph alone, and we get into the wedding. Nothing really happens, although for Harlow, it’s pretty fucking awesome. Afterwards, it’s even better:

He pushed me onto the bed, fierce, but genital (loc. 4276).

I’m guessing that she intended the word to be “gentle”, to which I can only say: Best. Typo. Ever.

As he did so, I ripped off his shirt and slipped off my white booties (loc. 4276).

…booties?

They hook up and it’s pretty awesome. Two weeks later, Rowan and Darian get married as well. They look amazing.

The morning after, a note was found in the room they were meant to share, telling their tale. They had slung weights over their shoulders then hand and hand walked into the oceans formed by the Second Demon War. One hundred feet under they sat chained to the sandy floor, wrapped in each other’s arms, together for all eternity (loc. 4292).

I can only assume this is plagiarized from something, because if not, it’s an idiotic suicide pact completely out of left field without any buildup or character development to suggest its occurrence.

Harlow has another son, Demetrious. Aurora doesn’t like him because he’s a dick, although Harlow doesn’t understand why until they’re both teenagers and Demetri almost shoves Aurora off a cliff. Hmmm. You’d think Harlow would notice previous attempts at siblicide, but apparently she’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer. She yells at Demetri, but he doesn’t have an excuse.

Aurora decides to become an immortal, and becomes close friends with Demetri which is great considering he tried to murder her. Then Demetri dies from a sickness that has no name. Roswell and Harlow grow old together and eventually he bites the dust. Seven years later, Harlow’s son visits her for the first and the last time.

Judah:

Judah pokes his head in to where Harlow is lying in bed. She’s a 187 Zapatos old, meaning she’s 276 earth-years old. Wow. It took Judah 250 years to get around to visiting his mom? What a dick.

I never favored that ridiculous standard time (loc. 4323).

You and me both, Judah.

He explains that when he and Rourry satisfy the means of their destiny they’ll let themselves die. I wonder if Rourry is supposed to be a nickname, or if Judah still can’t pronounce her name properly, and what, exactly, Judah and Rourry’s destiny is supposed to be. I’m guessing she’s teasing the inevitable sequel.

Judah says goodbye and leaves, without asking what she’s been up to, or how she’s doing, or giving her a hug, or really anything.

The All Knowing:

Only one of the moons survived the war. Hmmm. You’d think a war destructive enough to wipe out two moons would also be destructive enough to wipe out every living thing on the planet. It would certainly fuck with the ecosystem. Maybe this is what killed the dinosaurs?

The Hell Gates could still be opened someday. Though Avery-Oliver, long passed, whose lingering soul has been whipped away from the face of the new earth, it is not to say that he may return again in some form (loc. 4336).

They should’ve thrown the Ring into Orodruin. Then nuked the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

We learn that everyone spread out into nomadic tribes and each of them repeated their own stories of what happened.

The most important thing was, that no one rememberd [sic] the cruel horrible world that the earth was before Harlow, and Jafar, on that one faithful day, met by chance and at first glance, changed the fate of the world (loc. 4342).

Thus ensuring that by not remembering history they were doomed to repeat it and continue doing unspeakably cruel things to each other for all of recorded humanity. Also, I love that subtle way the title was thrown in there. Remember that time when at first glance Jafar noticed an attractive peasant girl and decided to forcibly marry and rape her?

Apparently, Harlow was born in the part of the world that is now “southern Russia” which really narrows it down for us. And Yelle Yaxle is the reason for the Bermuda triangle for reasons that are boring and I don’t care about.

Everyone goes off and live their life more or less content, but all of them have a feeling inside:

It was a sad and morbid thought, but each one felt the same. “I Am Still Hollow.” (loc. 4353)

Then there’s a quote:

“I have found that hollow, which even I had relied on for solid.” —Henry David Thoreau (loc. 4367)

It feels remarkably out of place for the book I’ve just finished, which, by extension, makes it feel perfectly in place, because nothing about this book makes sense.

And that’s that. The end of the book, minus several pages of vocabulary which I’m not going to even touch.

I have to say, after having written over twenty-seven thousands words about this book, I still don’t really know what it’s about. If I had to summarize it, it would probably go something like this:

“There are some characters who make poor choices and aren’t very nice to each other. A bad guy sort’ve shows up and they defeat him.”

That seems accurate.

Drinks: 71

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