Part 11: Fluorescent Pinks And Fuchsias



She’s giving birth and is in considerable pain. Her werewolf lover is on one side holding her hand, and her rapist/baby daddy is on her other side, also holding her hand, which is a little odd when you think about it.

She pushes and out pops a beautiful baby boy. Okay, I have personally witnessed births and I can confirm that babies are not beautiful when they come out. They’re water-crinkled, off-color, and covered in what looks like mucus and sriracha sauce.

However, the pain does not lapse. Xanthippe explains that this is part of the prophecy: she’s going to have twins, a boy and a girl. After a bit, the girl pops out. Harlow is concerned because they aren’t crying. Master Smith reassures her that it’s because they have a “high level of inelegance, even at birth”, which is standard for prodigal children.

“What shall you name them, Harlow?” Roswell supported me by holding my shoulder. Jafar shot him a resentful look.

“Yes, Harlow. What shall you name our children?” Uncomfortable tension built in the air (loc. 3404)

Okay. I feel a little bit like I am beating a dead horse here, but HE’S A MOTHERFUCKING RAPIST.

Harlow names the girl Aurora Dawn and the boy Judah Ryne. O…kay. They’re decent names – well, the girl’s name is decent and the boy’s name is atrocious – but this doesn’t really mean much to us, considering that we have no idea why Harlow chose those names or if they have any special significance. And if you’re going to have a Naming Scene, you might as well provide some reason, even if the reason is only “they sound pretty”.


After Harlow and the twins fall asleep, Roswell heads outside the tent with everyone else. He begins talking to someone but because of the general lack of dialogue tags we have no idea who s/he is.

The person explains that their team, including Xanthippe, Zosime, Pallas, her/himself, and others, all are part of a group called The Angels of Sin, which sounds like the title of a pornographic film. They’re all very talented beings with many gifts, and they’ve been around for thousands of years to serve as peacekeepers. And we get…much backstory:

“My son, Avery-Oliver, grew very evil and power hungry. He wished to be among the gods. He fancied a girl who was otherwise infatuated with Von Lon Bach and blindly believed he could become the strongest and greatest man in all the world, and Alyssia would then fall for him. He created a book, Fel Nerr Zu San Vech or The Book of Incomprehensible Pain, which contained such vile and powerful evils, that one could not be near it with out being sickened or killed. After he had wasted nearly six Zapatos of his life devoted to his lust, he went to Alyssia’s home, where she lived with Von and their three children. And when she refused his heart, the last thread was cut. He killed her family, and when my wife, his mother, Ever Pine, tried to calm him, she was also slaughtered. He used a spell of his own device to summon the Hell Gates, unleashing the most heinous of demons. Ultimately, he was killed, but the spell lingered, leaving the world with no chance. After nearly two thirds of all men, women, and children had been killed, we discovered the way to stop it, what needed to be done. Lyssandra, an Angel with the ability to create impenetrable barriers, sealed the book and all its powers inside” (loc. 3442).

If he wants to become the strongest and greatest man in order to win the love of a girl, why is he creating a book called The Book of Incomprehensible Pain? Wouldn’t it make a bit more sense to create that AFTER she rejects him and his life is in shambles? Also, why do these villainous characters summon heinous demons that will kill him? Why do the villains always have to be holding the Idiot Ball?

Anyway, Avery Oliver’s (now suspiciously without the hyphen) soul is tied up within the book, much like the One Ring. Unlike the One Ring, they used his blood to awaken him, much like a horcrux. And then:

“We found Harlow because she is of my descent, but she is a woman.” (loc. 3459)


“Does she have a brother? For only a male descendant can access the books powers.” (loc. 3465) 

Gotcha. Sexism. Makes sense.

They chat about powers. Thea can control things from nature, so she’s Mother Nature. Zosime is capable of weather control like Storm…wait, wouldn’t that be the exact same thing as controlling things of nature except much less powerful?

Harlow asks Xanthippe if he has powers. He asks her what book she is interested in and conjures it out of thin air, then explains that he cannot summon Fel Nerr Zu San Vech because it’s impervious to magic, which seems reasonable.

Xanthippe continues his story. Eventually Avery-Oliver returns. He has the book “over his back”. Wait. Is this an extremely large book? Why does it need to be carried over his back? At any rate, this begins the First Demon War which lasts for seven years. They manage to corner Avery-Oliver, so as a last resort he opens the Gates of Hell, believing that he would be able to control everything inside. He isn’t and he’s “overrun”, whatever that means.

Okay. Let me see if I have this straight in my head. Avery Oliver is evil and powerful, even though his name does not inspire fear so much as remind me of a mild-mannered accountant. He creates an evil book, kills a lot of people, summons the Hell Gates, unleashes a bunch of demons, and is temporary killed. Eventually he comes back, and OPENS the Gates of Hell (different gates? Same gates? Who can tell?), releasing demons, except this time he can’t control them for reasons that aren’t clear and is promptly killed for a second time.

He really has a one-track mind. More importantly, how did he unleash a bunch of demons the first time and was more or less fine and the second time it killed him? Or did they kill him the first time, in which case why the fuck would he be stupid enough to open them a second time?

Anyway, Gates of Hell are open and demons are pouring out:

“We knew that we must close it before a truly devastating creature was unleashed.” (loc. 3518)

And they immediately change the subject without discussing whether or how the gates were shut.

Xanthippe pulled from the pocket of his flowing cloak, a strange, slender, and silver device (loc. 3539).

It’s a cell phone. He places a call and chats with Media and explains it’s 5066 NM. I’m not sure what that means but it seems like an awfully short code to tell someone how to travel through time to precisely the correct moment and place in the universe. A vortex forms in the sky and a young man and a young woman come out, the woman doing a front-flip.

Her hair was jet-black with streaks of fluorescent pinks and fuchsias that matched her exquisite eyes, illuminated by face paints (loc. 3551). 

There’s more description, but basically they’re both dressed like modern teenagers trying to be unique snowflakes by conforming to shitty fashion trends. We learn the guy is Hippolyte and the girl is Media. Xanthippe asks them how 2011 was. They talk weird.

“We, Hyppolyte and I, were added 76ers game. Seventy six couples got married. Shaque Through rice and missed them all,” (loc. 3569)

Why is it “added” instead of “at a”? Is Breeanna trying to write this phonetically to tell us how they sound, and if that is the case, why does it say Through instead of threw since these two words are identically pronounced and why is it unnecessarily capitalized and why does it say Shaque when his nickname is Shaq and why is Hippolyte misspelled?

“Cute babies, Thea. I see you haven’t lost the postpartum weight yet though,” Media scoffed (loc. 3571). 

Probably a snap judgment, but I have the feeling that she might be a bitch.

Thea explains the babies aren’t hers.

“Well, my bad,” Media elongated the word my, making point that heavy sarcasm was afoot. “Could’a fooled me, the way you whore around.” (loc. 3574)

Yep. Bitch.

Xanthippe calms everyone down, explains that Avery-Oliver has the book and they have to stop him.

Drinks: 35


  35 Responses to “Part 11: Fluorescent Pinks And Fuchsias”

  1. Wait, Avery-Oliver is alive for a third time trying to open the gates of hell, when he got killed twice doing the same thing? Did Xanthippe explain how he revived?

  2. This makes me think of Elder Scrolls: Oblivion, where a demonic (daedric) invasion wsa brought by opening gates to another world. The whole thing was related to a powerful magic book, and the invasion was stopped by a male heir of a draconic bloodline who created barriers that stopped daedra from crossing over.

    Might be just a coincidence, though.

  3. The naming is almost as bad as with Tesch… just Tesch’s book is way more amusing and fun to read. I mean, at least the characters aren’t rapists we’re being forced to like, in a weird, confused plot that tries to redeem a disgusting person.

  4. I am so lost. It’s like a different book every chapter.

  5. Right. We were meant to DISLIKE all of the rapists in Gloria’s books targeted for children! Good job, Gloria! Teach the kids that drugging an underaged girl in the woods to rape her in her sleep is wrong!

  6. It reminded me of Doom.

    Also just a coincidence.

  7. Ok, so I don’t recall that, but my statement stands. Making Jaffar a redeemed anti-hero is upsetting in many ways. Still, I see no matter what I say, you will always jump in to disagree, even as far as throwing ad-hominems because of my flippin name.

  8. And that is relevant how? Jaffar is still a massive cunt.

  9. It reminds me also, a bit, of Half Life. And that basically means someone’s using an overused trope. Now, in Half Life and Oblivion, it was done well and the fact that it was overused could be ignored, as the story was consistent, well thought out and most of all, very interesting. In the case of this book it’s not. It’s a jumbled mess that rivals Tesch, still, at least the flow is better than in the case of Stanek.

  10. I’m a huge H.P. Lovecraft fan and I’ll always side with you 100% because you’re my favorite Outer God! That Gordon Mario Freedman has the wrong name so she’s not always right.

  11. I didn’t mean to disagree, I was just remembering some moments of awesome from Maradonia. BUT I don’t think redeeming a former racist is entirely implausible. It could be done right, maybe, but with Jaffar it doesn’t make sense at all.

  12. So I take it that Marion Zimmer-Bradley’s book are dismissed outright by you? Not to mention Freeman is like, one of the most popular names in the US, if I recall.

  13. For and idea of how it could be done right, see my comment under one of the previous chapters. you’ll see it, it’s a massive wall of text.

  14. Only because half life made the Surname popular.

  15. Only in the same way that Starship built a lot of cities.

  16. The original idea behind the jafar redemption was to show that he couldnt be redeemed no matter how he tried and he would die a horrible painful death that lasted forever.
    …*awkwardly taps keyboard* Yeah…..

  17. So he’s never actually come back to life, and its sorta hard to see that in the sporking. But he died trying to open the gates (long long ago) and when he died, part of him was trapped in Fel nerr zu san vech which is possessing Darian.
    Unless you count that as coming back to life. But then in still, he only appeared in some form twice. 🙂

  18. Still, the way Harlow treats him is, well, wrong. He raped her over and over and she just lets him sit there. How is he not killed on sight is beyond me. Still, on one of the previous posts, I did write how I think it could be done in an interesting way. It’s a suggestion, nothing more, but if you’re really looking to improve the book, I thought I’d help.

  19. Now I’m even more confused. How did he die, not come back to life, reappear and at the same time parts of him are trapped in other worlds using other characters as hosts ala Ganon and Voldemort? I am so lost.

  20. Wait what? I lost too…

  21. But it’s your book.

  22. Ha, no I mean I’m lost in how lost you are, lol. It’s a lot more linear that that. It was literally that he lived(what 7000 years ago or something like that) and he went kind of cray cray, then tried to open the gates. He died. that was it. I guess you could liken it to a horocraux because it sort of worked that way(but not at all) and he was dormant until it overtook darian. He never actually came back in himself. lol.
    does that explain it, because you’re confused and I’m confused about how confused you are, and hey, I like you 😀

  23. Can you explain what a horocraux is?
    You just went from “he died. That was it.” to “he was dormant until it overtook darian.” and the word horocraux is thrown in between them. How is he dead, but dormant? Is he Cthulhu? Because that would be awesome and you should leave his awesome name alone instead of changing it to Avery Oliver (it sounds like a scooby doo villain).

  24. Am I the only one who thinks Viking is a troll?

  25. I am not familiar with cthulhu….but I mean…it’s a spiritual possession, not a physical manifestation…(?)

  26. Death lasts forever? That’s hard to pull off, I’ve seen it once. I shall refer you to the case of Ner’zhul.

  27. I think she meant a horcrux?

  28. So this is one of those things where everyone has a spirit (or ghosts or some such) and Avery Oliver has enough control of his ectoplasmic form of the afterlife to possess some guy so the writer can conveniently bring him back when he dies. Gotcha. Does his spirit ever die?

  29. It sounds so dirty when you say it like that lol. I tried To apply the idea of “energy cannot be destroyed, only displaced.” So yes and no. At the end of the book**spoiler** Avery is expelled from Darian but he has means of returning. But that would only ever be Important if I publish the sequel I wrote.

  30. I did sorry. I have no idea what happened there :/

  31. Hold on a second. The last I remember of Darian is he was adamant about looking for his girlfriend (who is actually his sister). When did he get possessed by Avery Oliver? How has he been acting differently? Is it something I missed or something that’s coming up in the next spork? btw. even at age 16, you couldn’t have seriously thought “I’ll name this big bad Avery Oliver. It sends shivers down my spine.” Is there a twist where the real big bad comes out and kills him? This has to be a joke. There are no printed copies of the book, are there? Only the e-book. You saw the whole Maradonia thing and you’re trolling us all by making your own. You write like typical bad authors, but you don’t act like them. Real bad authors get butthurt and try to convince all the haters that we’re jealous and constantly try to talk themselves up like the greatest thing since breathable oxygen. You’re acting civilized. It can’t be real. You made it all up and you’re enjoying watching us sporking through it. You’re an epic troll. That’s my theory. And I would love you to give Rorscach the unpublished sequel to spork.

  32. It might not really come across in the spork, but darian get’s a little Gollum on his quest. That was the point of possession. And I dunno, I didn’t want to have “Obvious Bad Guy Name Insert Here”. He is half Elf, and his mom would have most likely named him, since the elfish society I orchestrated(more thoroughly in the sequel via flashback-ish stuff) was Matriarchal. Her name was Ever so…I dunno, I like names. Names are fun. It wasn’t supposed to send shivers down your spine anymore than an average person’s because average people can be evil too. Evil people aren’t named at birth to be evil. I dunno, maybe I’m over(or perhaps under)thinking the whole thing.
    It’s not a joke, I promise….You can see physical copies on my facebook and everything, haha…I had never actually heard of Maradonia until I was first sporked and I looked it up…after which I bought a copy second hand(which ended up being signed, indecently) and…eh…well, I guess I can’t really talk…
    I honestly try as hard as I can to not get butthurt. I think I got butthurt for like 5 minuets when I got the review on amazon from MM and then I got over it and take some giggles out of all this because I’m not in writing to be rich or famous or popular, more to be liked and readable…(but if rich and famous happens….ya know…lol)
    Sometimes I feel like people cross lines of civility, but this sporking has been really…very…pleasant…both to read and to be part of(conversationally with you all).
    I’m not a troll! I’m a real girl! Sorry to kill that theory….But um…I think that’s…a compliment…I don’t know. I’m going to take it as one…..I wouldn’t want to impose that on him, heh. But I would be willing to let people read it, either as beta readers or just to get some shits and giggles out of it!

  33. He prolly is but sometimes you just can’t tell wit poes. I know idiots who would act like that for real.

  34. In case of posession, try Nyarlathotep. Call Now! Free curse with every posession for the next 10 minutes!

  35. And again with the Spanish, Aurora means dawn. The girl is named Dawn Dawn.